Trying - finally!

Today I did my first round of IUI - I am officially Trying To Conceive!

For 8 months I've been on the journey actively and today I finally was able to go in and have the intrauterine insemination procedure.My mom went with me, and I was grateful to have her there, not only for my support, but also because most grandmas can't tell their grandchildren they were present, in the room at the point of conception. And though I think that's probably a little weird to say, honestly since none of this is conventional anyway, it adds even more depth and sweetness to the story that may be my child's some day. Everything feels a bit surreal now. First, it's not that comfortable a procedure, but though I'm a little crampy, I am fine and can do any normal activity. I'm resting on the couch because while I'm fine and those little buggers are up about as far as they can get - every time I sneeze I think NO! KEEP SWIMMING! I can't be too precious with myself for more than tonight so I'm giving in. And then, it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have some stranger's sperm inside me - by choice, from a tube and paid for by me. For most of my teenage/adult life I've taken precautions to NOT let that happen. And yet, here we are. (TMI you say? Yeah sorry about that but really what's sacred at this point in the process?) Not that I wanted to in the slightest, there is still that point when you realize there is no turning back now! Though this may not take, I still feel total optimism for the first time in 8 months. There is no reason it shouldn't, that I know of, and the outcome is certainly nothing I can control, so I've done everything I can up to this point and now it really is out of my hands for at least the next two weeks. It's a bit of a relief actually.

Ah, LH surge, you little bugger...

I've been waiting all week for this day. This day would determine whether or not I'll be able to start TTC this month, finally. It's been 8 months since I made the decision to become a single mother through artificial insemination, and every single day since that moment has been gearing up for the chance to start trying. So today was rather important. If the home test for my LH surge was positive today, I'd have to wait another month, because once it's positive, I have 12-24 hours of optimum fertility. That's it, a tiny little window, which last month landed right on a Saturday which meant there was no hope of trying due to the clinic being closed on Sundays.Since then, I've been waiting patiently (ha!) for my next chance. Today, according to 2 ovulation predictor stick tests, and according to the ovulation calendars (about 6 different ones online) and according to my basal temperature which remains elevated, I did NOT have my LH surge, which means I still have a chance at TTC this month. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday afternoon, assuming that I'll surge tomorrow and can change it to Tuesday if I surge on Monday instead. All I can say is that I have a chance this time, I feel supported by several people who are checking in with me regularly (which - obvious from my last post - I need right now) and I am just ready to GO! Let's get to trying!

Positive vs. Negative

I'm once again within a few days of either being able to start TTC or having to wait another month if I ovulate over the weekend. I'm a bit of a wreck and today I completely freaked out and panicked because thought I'd miscalculated when to start peeing on the ovulation predictor stick and had missed my window for this month.  I've been having issues with the basal thermometer and the charting, and have been super preoccupied with my recital last weekend and for some reason I jumped ahead a week in my head and thought I'd completely screwed up. My bff talked me through it with a combination of understanding and pragmatism and I ran to buy a OPK and tried it at work this afternoon, just to check, and while I went through all that, I figured out that I indeed did calculate correctly and unless something really unusual has happened, I'm still on track. But bloody hell, it was really disheartening to think I'd messed up something SO important to me.
And while we're on that little subject, I'm about to rant. I'm sick of being told by a couple of inner circle people, that because I ask the question a lot "What if it doesn't happen?", that I'm somehow lacking in positivity. To me there is a HUGE and distinct difference between the question What if it doesn't happen? and the statement IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And guess what? I wouldn't be typing this right now if any part of me at all felt as though it isn't going to happen. I'm not a flippin masochist and this isn't fun, this process. It's all a means to an end.  But it's been insinuated that because I can't turn that frown upside down and be joyful and super hopeful, that I'm putting energy out there that will somehow influence the result negatively. The truth is that I have 1 try per month, if I ovulate on the right day. I have about a 15% chance of success and that's because I'm doing IUI. It's going to cost me about $800 a try. So yeah I'm preparing myself for if it doesn't happen. It's a fair question and one I'm searching for an answer to. I need to know what to do if it doesn't. And what I want to hear from someone other than myself, so I can be SUPPORTED - is RIGHT, it may NOT happen. And then you'll try again. And again, if you have to. But we believe eventually this will happen and that it is meant to be.
My therapist warned me about this when I told her I planned to tell people about this path I'm on. She said she just didn't want me to feel set up to believe that I have any control over this at all and so if it doesn't take, I'll feel somehow responsible. Today I wish I'd listened to her advice.

Progress

I've been going a little nutty and feeling like I've lost momentum in this process. Waiting always makes me feel that way. So, today, I purchased my 2 tries worth of a babydaddy. I felt like I needed to go forward, as his number of available vials is rather quickly diminishing (he is recently quite popular, I guess!) Now just praying that we can get this show on the road in the next couple of weeks!

Betwixt and Between - sucks

I'm quite betwixt and between. Waiting for the next opportunity to start TTC just creates space for doubt and anxiety. Some days I still get excited too, but more than not right now, I'm feeling disappointed and discombobulated. I'm just terrible at handling gearing up and then NOT getting to do the thing for which I just geared up. It's hard on me emotionally which then triggers a physical response of jittery nerves and barely below the surface tears. In some ways it's stupid to get all worked up this soon, but I am facing months of singing on top of working, and I've got 'senioritis'. I'm ready to get working on the next part of my life, of creating my family, and want to be done - now - with the things that get in the way or at least have been put in the way for the last 15 years. I want to work on my new home, and I want to read about babies, and I want to play and cuddle with my baby niece, and go for walks and really, just want to be pregnant and moving forward. In the last couple of years, I've felt the pull to something else when I'm under the pressure of getting ready for an intense performance, and I know I'm in that space right now. But, then, I didn't know what the 'something else' was, now I do. And this pull is strong, the distraction crazy-making.

Patience is a what?

Woke up to a low basal temp and a smiley face on the OPK stick which means I've ovulated today - a Saturday - so 4 more weeks to start TTC. Feel weirdly alone at this point. I know I have support, and I know those closest to this process are right there with me, to the extent they can be, but it's all about me and up to my body at this point which makes is so personal. And since it's not really even up to me, since I can't control timing, I feel a little out of sorts. I'm actually relieved that I know, so I can spend the next 3 days of my vacation 'vacating' to an extent, instead of fretting. But I live in that weird place of cautious optimism which means I am hopeful that all things will go as planned, or as I plan them, but I know better as a realist which leaves me trying to figure out how to feel about it all. I HATE the unknown. And, really I knew that hoping for Tuesday was a long shot, I'm totally consistent every month with ovulating, so the chances were very good that it would happen over the weekend, which means I'd be of luck for trying this month. Add to that the fact that it's a holiday weekend, and the chances of even stretching it to Monday were slim and even if so, still not possible to try because of the holiday office closures. But I got caught up in that optimism part, the "if you build it, they will come" and kind of let go of the cautious. I have decided that optimism and hope lies in the very fact that I'm doing this at all, and the rest will be cautious. It's the only way I can balance my crazy emotions. So...it will happen when it does, and all the plans I have will just have to be adjusted accordingly and crazy-jump the gun-anticipation will just have to shut its pie hole so I can make it through this part.

These are the times when it would be nicer to be talking this through and doing this together with someone I love, (and I mean a partner, not my mom). And I knew there would be those times when I made this decision to go it on my own. So, I am disappointed, but moving on and am going to make the most of the next 4 weeks. I've got a lot to do, and I can continue to eat better, move my body more, and trust that these are all steps along my path.

Almost time to begin

I finally have a few minutes to catch up on my progress, so here it goes. Since my last post, I've moved, sung 12 Nutcrackers, started rehearsals for a houseconcert in January, have spent much time with my baby niece and family, and several Christmas and birthday celebrations have come and gone (and we still have another Christmas celebration tomorrow with the extended family), hosted guests in my new home, and of course all the while, worked my day job which included a 2 day staff retreat. I'll be honest, I'm tired, so am really glad to have this week away from my day job - though I've filled it to the brim with all the other stuff and family. But also, in truth, it's been a good thing to be occupied in the last few weeks before starting TTC. My lab work is done and all good, I've chosen a donor (my 2nd choice actually, who turned into my first choice just in the past 2 days), contacted the clinic to make an appointment for Tuesday afternoon and the cryobank to make sure they can deliver if I call first thing Tuesday morning, working under the assumption that I should ovulate Monday and then need to do the intrauterine insemination within 24 hours of that to be optimally fertile (and this means I had to consider that Monday will be a holiday and both will be closed, so needed to get a jump on what's possible with such short notice.) That's all squared away. Now I wait to see what my body will do and live in the land of something I can't control in the slightest.

As a rule, I'm not a big crier, but when I'm anxious or nervous, especially with the unknown, crying is kind of my unintentional release. So I'm getting used to crying A LOT over the littlest stuff. I guess it's prep for raging hormones, which will come with being pregnant, which is what I want. But still. I cried at the words Holiday Spirit on the radio last week. This is out of control!!! And I am definitely trying to remain calm while also feeling exceptionally anxious right now. Stress is not conducive to conceiving, and it behooves me to do everything I can to choose the right conditions for the procedure. It won't exactly be comfortable, and my mom will be there, and it will be in a sterile but not very well decorated clinic patient room with bad lighting - so THOSE particular conditions are not exactly what one thinks of when making a baby, but it's what I've got to work with, so I will. Which means anything else I can do to relax will be helpful. Don't know what that is yet, but I'm working on it. Starting with staying in my pajama pants, hoodie and slippers all day long today. Countdown 4 days, or 4 more weeks to TTC. I'd like to get this party started, so crossing my fingers and hoping for Tuesday to be the day.

Could be a lot of good endings and exciting new beginnings in the next few days. Happy New Year!