I'm once again within a few days of either being able to start TTC or having to wait another month if I ovulate over the weekend. I'm a bit of a wreck and today I completely freaked out and panicked because thought I'd miscalculated when to start peeing on the ovulation predictor stick and had missed my window for this month. I've been having issues with the basal thermometer and the charting, and have been super preoccupied with my recital last weekend and for some reason I jumped ahead a week in my head and thought I'd completely screwed up. My bff talked me through it with a combination of understanding and pragmatism and I ran to buy a OPK and tried it at work this afternoon, just to check, and while I went through all that, I figured out that I indeed did calculate correctly and unless something really unusual has happened, I'm still on track. But bloody hell, it was really disheartening to think I'd messed up something SO important to me.
And while we're on that little subject, I'm about to rant. I'm sick of being told by a couple of inner circle people, that because I ask the question a lot "What if it doesn't happen?", that I'm somehow lacking in positivity. To me there is a HUGE and distinct difference between the question What if it doesn't happen? and the statement IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And guess what? I wouldn't be typing this right now if any part of me at all felt as though it isn't going to happen. I'm not a flippin masochist and this isn't fun, this process. It's all a means to an end. But it's been insinuated that because I can't turn that frown upside down and be joyful and super hopeful, that I'm putting energy out there that will somehow influence the result negatively. The truth is that I have 1 try per month, if I ovulate on the right day. I have about a 15% chance of success and that's because I'm doing IUI. It's going to cost me about $800 a try. So yeah I'm preparing myself for if it doesn't happen. It's a fair question and one I'm searching for an answer to. I need to know what to do if it doesn't. And what I want to hear from someone other than myself, so I can be SUPPORTED - is RIGHT, it may NOT happen. And then you'll try again. And again, if you have to. But we believe eventually this will happen and that it is meant to be.
My therapist warned me about this when I told her I planned to tell people about this path I'm on. She said she just didn't want me to feel set up to believe that I have any control over this at all and so if it doesn't take, I'll feel somehow responsible. Today I wish I'd listened to her advice.