Saturday, December 31, 2011

Patience is a what?

Woke up to a low basal temp and a smiley face on the OPK stick which means I've ovulated today - a Saturday - so 4 more weeks to start TTC. Feel weirdly alone at this point. I know I have support, and I know those closest to this process are right there with me, to the extent they can be, but it's all about me and up to my body at this point which makes is so personal. And since it's not really even up to me, since I can't control timing, I feel a little out of sorts. I'm actually relieved that I know, so I can spend the next 3 days of my vacation 'vacating' to an extent, instead of fretting. But I live in that weird place of cautious optimism which means I am hopeful that all things will go as planned, or as I plan them, but I know better as a realist which leaves me trying to figure out how to feel about it all. I HATE the unknown. And, really I knew that hoping for Tuesday was a long shot, I'm totally consistent every month with ovulating, so the chances were very good that it would happen over the weekend, which means I'd be of luck for trying this month. Add to that the fact that it's a holiday weekend, and the chances of even stretching it to Monday were slim and even if so, still not possible to try because of the holiday office closures. But I got caught up in that optimism part, the "if you build it, they will come" and kind of let go of the cautious. I have decided that optimism and hope lies in the very fact that I'm doing this at all, and the rest will be cautious. It's the only way I can balance my crazy emotions. will happen when it does, and all the plans I have will just have to be adjusted accordingly and crazy-jump the gun-anticipation will just have to shut its pie hole so I can make it through this part.

These are the times when it would be nicer to be talking this through and doing this together with someone I love, (and I mean a partner, not my mom). And I knew there would be those times when I made this decision to go it on my own. So, I am disappointed, but moving on and am going to make the most of the next 4 weeks. I've got a lot to do, and I can continue to eat better, move my body more, and trust that these are all steps along my path.

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