Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Betwixt and Between - sucks
I'm quite betwixt and between. Waiting for the next opportunity to start TTC just creates space for doubt and anxiety. Some days I still get excited too, but more than not right now, I'm feeling disappointed and discombobulated. I'm just terrible at handling gearing up and then NOT getting to do the thing for which I just geared up. It's hard on me emotionally which then triggers a physical response of jittery nerves and barely below the surface tears. In some ways it's stupid to get all worked up this soon, but I am facing months of singing on top of working, and I've got 'senioritis'. I'm ready to get working on the next part of my life, of creating my family, and want to be done - now - with the things that get in the way or at least have been put in the way for the last 15 years. I want to work on my new home, and I want to read about babies, and I want to play and cuddle with my baby niece, and go for walks and really, just want to be pregnant and moving forward. In the last couple of years, I've felt the pull to something else when I'm under the pressure of getting ready for an intense performance, and I know I'm in that space right now. But, then, I didn't know what the 'something else' was, now I do. And this pull is strong, the distraction crazy-making.