Results

On Friday afternoon, I got a call from the clinic with the results from my Day 3 FSH Test. I could hardly believe my ears when the nurse told me my level is a 7.2. Really! She said they were beautiful numbers! I feel so incredibly relieved and so much more hopeful about this process. It seems real now as I just cleared the one of the first hurdles and cleared it far higher than I thought possible. Though I remain cautiously optimistic, I am starting to use the word 'when' more frequently when talking about getting pregnant, instead of only using 'if'. I know there are several more hurdles to clear, and I need the stars to align and my prayers to be 'answered' if this is meant to be, but for the moment, I'm all about passing this particular test. I will continue checking things off my list, and taking this one step at a time.

My Little Village of Support and Encouragement

When I first decided I wanted to have a baby, on my own, by artificial insemination, I’d only planned to tell my parents and couple of best friends for a good long time into the process. I was, myself, overwhelmed by this totally new idea, and the thought of many more voices telling me the hows whats whys and why nots seemed like inviting a nightmare into my waking moments. I was already very busy having self induced chaotic episodes in my head. I didn’t need to add to those. Plus, I didn’t know enough about what I was planning yet to really tell anyone.

As my mental picture and plans became clearer, however, I was then overwhelmed with the need to share with some specific key people in each part of my daily life. I know some will be hurt that I haven’t shared this with them before now, but please trust, I struggled with who and when to tell. And I promise it wasn’t personal that I left you off the ‘list’ it was honestly situational more than anything. I started to get an instinct about when telling someone was right at that particular moment. From there I’ve built  my little Village of Support and Encouragement. There isn’t a space in my life where I can’t go find the one person there who knows of my plans if I need to. I know I can ask for a word of support or just vent for a moment about an anxiety or a thrill. It’s helped me move about my day knowing I have a secret, but not at all needing to burst out with it at an inappropriate moment. I don’t like to keep secrets, they hurt my insides, even if they are my own. This was a way to lighten that load a little. And it’s been a very good thing. And whatever happens, I will be eternally grateful to my little VoSaE for their individual and collective faith in me to be a good parent and ability to do this on my own. And for loving me enough to be so excited that I might bring a child into their lives too. So not really on my own, after all. 

FSH Day 3 Test - waiting...

Yesterday afternoon, I went and got a blood draw from the clinic. They will test my Follicle Stimulating Hormone levels. We want this to be a low, low number, preferably in the single digits, which is kind of a long shot based on my age. But it could still be low. Just don't want high numbers. I had major anxiety leading up to yesterday afternoon, because I prefer NO obstacles to my plans. I have contingencies for them, but prefer things to go just like I intend. There are loads of fertility diets and books on conceiving and information on using non traditional methods to get that number lower or using eastern medicinal brews. I know this because of course, as a control freak, I've been inundating myself in the literature, again, even though I have no control over this. But the test was yesterday, and I read all of this last night. So at this moment all I can do is wait for the results. Praying, sure. Hoping, of course.

I'm a big imagery person. It's how I learned to sing well - my teacher would say, "Imagine that sound is spinning, spinning out in front of you and all the way to Seattle." Or, "'Ah' as if you're taking a bite of an apple." "See it in your mind's eye." Brilliant teaching for my particular way of learning. This (below) came to me today in the form of  blog post from a friend's pastor. It was about him summiting a 'hill' here in the PNW, and how if the top had been fogged in, he wouldn't have seen what he was climbing for and wouldn't have been very inclined to continue in the heat and sweat and with all the bugs. But because he could see the top, he just had to continue, step by step to reach it. I feel the same way about my process. I've been collecting sayings and quotes and prayers from all walks and religions to help me with my imagery along this path and add this one to my collection today, and it is exactly what I needed: 

Thanks be to you O God.

For the saints around us who reflect your glory, who are passionate in their love, humble in their service, courageous in their convictions.  Grant that we might see your vision with greater clarity for having been with them.  Grant us eyes to see your glory in creation, in trials, in your Word.  And seeing where you’re taking us, grant us the endurance to go there.  Step by step by step by step….until the very top.  Glory to you!  Amen

Starting the Process

I am early in this process. And here is how it begins.

The Charting:
I take my basal temperature every morning before I get out of bed. Every single morning. I chart these temps in order to see the timing and pattern of ovulation in my menstruation cycle so that when it comes time, I'll know the optimum window in which to inseminate. For just about each day the first month of this I would have a quick and easy little nightmare, just moments before my alarm would go off, in which I had completely forgotten to take my temp or where I had already taken it and that was the end of the world apparently (or I was having coffee with *Karl Urban*. Actually, wait, that wasn't so nightmarish.) and then I would wake up totally flustered. Great way to start the day. I'm better now. Not so freaked out about screwing that part up anymore.

The Clinic: 
I went to see a Nurse Practitioner at a local women's clinic. She was so great and filled in the blanks I had remaining from my own research and reading. It was a good consultation, I liked her and was feeling pretty good, until she told me that my first step with them would be to take the FSH Day 3 Test and that if I had too high a number, our journey together would automatically end and she would have to recommend fertility specialists in the area. I knew about the test, and about the Follicle Stimulating Hormone, but honestly hadn't figured out that it's a pretty significant number on it's own. I saw it as part of a whole picture, which is kind of true. It basically tells me about how good or not so good my body is at producing eggs. The lower the number the better. And if I get 11 or above, it would be a deal-breaker with this clinic. They do artificial insemination but it's only a very small percentage of their work, so they are very low-tech and aren't set up to assist with fertility issues. There is a strong likelihood based on the fact that 11 is  a pretty low number on that spectrum, and on my age, that I'm about to get dumped. All of a sudden, this is like dating. Except I have to pay for it all. Super.

Flexible, patient, and cautious optimism. Some days this is easier than others, and some days it totally sucks. But the bottom line is that if I can continue to see through all the processes to the end goal of having a baby, I can manage the sucky days.

The Plan

My plan is to start Trying in December or January, which gives me time to chart, time to save, time to move my ass more frequently in order to get in some kind of shape for this, time to move into a bigger place, and basically, time to get all my ducks in a row, as my mother says. So, my doctor said go for it, but don't wait too long, and get some exercise. Gotcha. My therapist says great, go for it, but don't wait too long. Wait, how long is too long? I'm 40.5. Will waiting 5 more months kill this plan before I even get started? But...what about my plan? My plan is good and I came up with it for a list of very good reasons. But will I plan myself out of the possibility? And thus the anxiety began. Oh yeah, and by the way, time to get off the medication that helps you with that anxiety. Awesome.

There are all kinds of possibilities about how this process might or might not work and so I will have to build in some contingencies, be prepared to be flexible and, patient. I ride the fence between idealism and realism. I'm not a blind faith believer, it doesn't come easy to me and I dwell in the land of logic so much of the time. But I am hopeful and I believe this is my path, or I would NOT be in this process. At this point, I believe it's possible for me to get pregnant and have a healthy beautiful baby. But I'm more about 'cautious optimism' - it's up to my body to determine how possible this really is, and may be up to specialists to help me along the way if I need it. I'm going with 'hoping my body's fertility hasn't crapped out on me quite yet'. Cautiously optimistic. That's me.

Research Research Research

Once I made The Decision, it occurred to me that I had NO idea how to get started. I was sure, and grateful, that the path of my life had finally been laid out for me, but that was about all I knew. I spent the entire night plowing through the internet and coming up with many blogs and sites about infertility, but only one or two about women doing this on their own. I was seeing terms and acronyms I knew nothing about and was a little overwhelmed. But I stumbled on a book called Choosing Single Motherhood, downloaded it and finally started to put things together. I'm a quick study, and figured out that making the decision was the toughest part for some (though it came swiftly to me), that making the process happen was fairly simple if I had the money and if my body's fertility hadn't already crapped out on me.

Putting the emotional stuff together with the fairly simple process however has been a roller coaster ride. I'm constantly fighting with the fact that this IS my path, therefore all the questions and issues and concerns have to be resolved (uh, and resolved this very moment) because I know what I am meant to do. So I made lists and a plan and declarative statements on what and how I wanted to make it all happen. I got my annual physical, talked it through with my doctor, started looking up cryobank websites, told a few key people in my life and began what most 'in the know' would term the first stage 'Thinking'. The accepted first stages appear to be Thinking, Trying, Waiting,....  I still haven't reconciled that term because I'd made the decision. So I kind of went directly from 'Deciding' to 'Planning' and my next step will be 'Trying'. Obviously the steps and terms are personal to each woman going through this process, and this way seems to speak more clearly to me.

The Decision

A couple of months ago, I think it was around May 13, I made the decision to become a mom by artificial insemination. Weird choice really, because it had never occurred to me as a viable possibility before that moment, the moment when my friend - who is a mom in a group of friends who are also all moms and for whom mommyhood is the PRIMARY topic of talk at all times - said, oh so casually, "So, have you ever thought about doing it on your own?" And just then we were called to places (in the theater) and that was the abrupt end of the conversation. She could have meant anything...going to dinner, buying a car, taking a trip...but I immediately knew to what she was referring and it was like a *FLASH* of inspiration came flooding into my brain. About an hour later, as I was driving home, I knew I'd decided to have a baby. On my own. Biologically. Holy crap.

I love babies and I love children. I was born to nurture and teach and support and encourage. So, the idea of being a mom wasn't really out of the blue - I would be a great mom and would love to have a child of my own - and the idea of doing it on my own had occurred to me, just not biologically. Several things ruled that line of thinking: 1) I'm adopted and believe in adopting, though was never fully convinced that should be my personal path; 2) I'm totally skeevish about doctors and needles and frankly, pain; and 3) I had said out loud, on several occasions that getting pregnant was never in my cards unless it was a decision made with a partner. The partner and being in a committed relationship would always be the reason for that decision - I saw no other reason to make a baby. And I don't have the partner.

Then this year I turned 40, and while the anticipation of that event was horrible, the actual passing of the date wasn't such a big deal. I committed to taking care of myself in a new way, thinking that if I could finally 'find myself' I would certainly find the partner. I started with getting much needed, very expensive, very painful dental work taken care of in the first 5 months of my 40th year. I sucked it up, made those terrifying appointments, sat in that chair for many hours, paid those HUGE bills, and had a perpetual headache from all the work  - the entire 5 months. I chose it, and I did it. No missteps, no real issues, just did it. I really believe now, that it was in preparation for my choice on May 13th, a test-run if you will. Somehow going through it set the stage, in a much lesser way, for the next thing life changing thing I was about to choose.

So I pulled into my driveway, called my mom, told her that I had come to the point where I want a partner, I want a child, or ideally I want both, but I won't settle for neither. And I'm running out of time to have a child. I have the rest of my life to find a partner. I asked for her blessing and support and she was instantly with me, on board and ready for 'us' to begin. And that was the moment I committed to making my family.