Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Decision

A couple of months ago, I think it was around May 13, I made the decision to become a mom by artificial insemination. Weird choice really, because it had never occurred to me as a viable possibility before that moment, the moment when my friend - who is a mom in a group of friends who are also all moms and for whom mommyhood is the PRIMARY topic of talk at all times - said, oh so casually, "So, have you ever thought about doing it on your own?" And just then we were called to places (in the theater) and that was the abrupt end of the conversation. She could have meant anything...going to dinner, buying a car, taking a trip...but I immediately knew to what she was referring and it was like a *FLASH* of inspiration came flooding into my brain. About an hour later, as I was driving home, I knew I'd decided to have a baby. On my own. Biologically. Holy crap.

I love babies and I love children. I was born to nurture and teach and support and encourage. So, the idea of being a mom wasn't really out of the blue - I would be a great mom and would love to have a child of my own - and the idea of doing it on my own had occurred to me, just not biologically. Several things ruled that line of thinking: 1) I'm adopted and believe in adopting, though was never fully convinced that should be my personal path; 2) I'm totally skeevish about doctors and needles and frankly, pain; and 3) I had said out loud, on several occasions that getting pregnant was never in my cards unless it was a decision made with a partner. The partner and being in a committed relationship would always be the reason for that decision - I saw no other reason to make a baby. And I don't have the partner.

Then this year I turned 40, and while the anticipation of that event was horrible, the actual passing of the date wasn't such a big deal. I committed to taking care of myself in a new way, thinking that if I could finally 'find myself' I would certainly find the partner. I started with getting much needed, very expensive, very painful dental work taken care of in the first 5 months of my 40th year. I sucked it up, made those terrifying appointments, sat in that chair for many hours, paid those HUGE bills, and had a perpetual headache from all the work  - the entire 5 months. I chose it, and I did it. No missteps, no real issues, just did it. I really believe now, that it was in preparation for my choice on May 13th, a test-run if you will. Somehow going through it set the stage, in a much lesser way, for the next thing life changing thing I was about to choose.

So I pulled into my driveway, called my mom, told her that I had come to the point where I want a partner, I want a child, or ideally I want both, but I won't settle for neither. And I'm running out of time to have a child. I have the rest of my life to find a partner. I asked for her blessing and support and she was instantly with me, on board and ready for 'us' to begin. And that was the moment I committed to making my family.

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