Thursday, August 25, 2011

My Little Village of Support and Encouragement

When I first decided I wanted to have a baby, on my own, by artificial insemination, I’d only planned to tell my parents and couple of best friends for a good long time into the process. I was, myself, overwhelmed by this totally new idea, and the thought of many more voices telling me the hows whats whys and why nots seemed like inviting a nightmare into my waking moments. I was already very busy having self induced chaotic episodes in my head. I didn’t need to add to those. Plus, I didn’t know enough about what I was planning yet to really tell anyone.
As my mental picture and plans became clearer, however, I was then overwhelmed with the need to share with some specific key people in each part of my daily life. I know some will be hurt that I haven’t shared this with them before now, but please trust, I struggled with who and when to tell. And I promise it wasn’t personal that I left you off the ‘list’ it was honestly situational more than anything. I started to get an instinct about when telling someone was right at that particular moment. From there I’ve built  my little Village of Support and Encouragement. There isn’t a space in my life where I can’t go find the one person there who knows of my plans if I need to. I know I can ask for a word of support or just vent for a moment about an anxiety or a thrill. It’s helped me move about my day knowing I have a secret, but not at all needing to burst out with it at an inappropriate moment. I don’t like to keep secrets, they hurt my insides, even if they are my own. This was a way to lighten that load a little. And it’s been a very good thing. And whatever happens, I will be eternally grateful to my little VoSaE for their individual and collective faith in me to be a good parent and ability to do this on my own. And for loving me enough to be so excited that I might bring a child into their lives too. So not really on my own, after all. 

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