Abstract vs. Concrete & The Sweet Pea

So, I'm officially 6 weeks now - which in the grand scheme is still super early. And though I definitely am feeling the changes in my body, I'm still having a tough time not keeping this at an arm's length. I think I'm self protecting, because it is so early. And because of how I am, my desperate need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best is kind of rearing it's ugly head. So far, when I receive a gift or people around me get super excited to hear that I'm having a baby, it still kind of feels like they're talking about someone else. And I have this need to settle them down, just in case things go awry, so they don't feel too bad. My mom is right though, I have stop saying it feels abstract, and have to start having hope and the belief that it will all be fine. If it isn't, then I really just have to cross that bridge if I come to it. But for now, I'm trying to say 'we' and talking to the little being growing inside me that is, this week, the size of a Sweet Pea. At some point, even if not quite today, I believe I'll be able to stop calling it  the fruit or vegetable that is comparable to it's size, and be able to call it a baby!

Confirmation!

Got my blood test results and it's official, I am preggo! I think it also should be fairly obvious to me, since I have totally skipped my period and every night at 7pm I think going to bed sounds like the ONLY plausible thing to do, but still, I like it nice and official!

Also have to deal with a crazy elevated TSH numbers because of my Thyroid disease. NOT happy about it because it can be really dangerous to fetal brain development and risks of possible miscarriages are higher, but I think it's because of the pregnancy, which can throw it out of whack. Hopefully my doctor will agree and just kick up my medicine a lot and I'll get back to a normal range. Another moment for hope.

Distracted

Wow - this thing is a major distraction from everything else I'm supposed to be thinking about and doing in my life right now. I:

• Want so badly to confirm it with a medical professional, though the signs are all still pretty good, so I go this afternoon to get lab work done. 
• Made my first prenatal appointment with an OB at a hospital  in my neighborhood. Will go at 9 weeks and apparently also get my first ultrasound. Exciting!
• Find myself between really wanting to totally tell everyone so I don't have to hold it in anymore and now being way more scared than I thought I would be of all the conversations I will have to have about choosing single motherhood. I'm in a very safe place at the moment - having chosen specifically those that I want to know. Plus, I really hate being the center of attention in most ways - and this thing has already created some weird, uncomfortable moments for me, with the people I trust and love. I have some time to figure this out as I don't plan to tell anyone else until after that ultrasound and finding out all systems are go. 
• Feel like I want/need to talk about it all the time, and this is another point where doing it on my own isn't as fun. Everyone else has their own life - so me carrying on and on must just be a huge pain in the ass. But I can't help it! It's so new, and I can't quit thinking about it, and I'm actually a little scared right now so talking it through is really helpful.
• Am a little anxious about the symptoms I could start having at any time in the next few weeks. I'm hoping I'll be a rock star, but once again, it would be easier to manage if I could know what's coming specifically and when. So Type A about this stuff. Then again, symptoms would also help me feel better about this being TRUE! I'm crazy, I know. 

That's all for now. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time...

Grow grow grow!!!

Really?

I've officially informed my Little Village of Hope and Encouragement the good news and have received numerous squealing with delight emails and calls - which has been very fun. Now I am doing my best to believe it all to be true. Next Wednesday, I'll get a blood test just to confirm it, as everything I read says to do so. Then it's all a matter of taking good care of myself so this little bud can grow grow grow!!! I had a dream last night that I'd forgotten to show up to work, a birthday party, a hair appointment and a concert I'm singing in, in a couple of weeks. So that was awesome. Probably just my subconscious helping me get back my focus. I don't feel like focusing on anything else right now! My plan is to wait to put anything together, baby-wise, until this summer - just so I can really take the time to do it, instead of balancing between work and shows. But until then it's all about making sure I stay healthy and active. Besides, the one thing I have heard from 99% of the LVof H&E is that they can't wait to shop - whew! I'm probably safe just waiting that part out a bit.

My hope continues: hope for a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy, happy baby!

 

I can hardly believe it myself, but here we are...yay!!!

I don't know but I think I know...

Had an interesting experience tonight. I feel quite sure, and quite sad, that I'm having symptoms of PMS, so I went to the pharmacy to purchase tampons, just in case. And at one point I also had a pregnancy test in the basket, just in case. How do you keep the faith and hope when everything points you in the opposite direction?

I feel desperate to make a plan for if this doesn't work right away, and therefore have 80 million questions running through my mind - do I need to seek some sort of drug assistance? should I take a month off? should I try a different donor? do I have enough money to make several more attempts before seeking fertility assistance?
Do I have a plan if this doesn't work at all? If I don't should I? can I make being an aunt enough? should I make plans to travel? should I move away? should I start my life all over somewhere where no one knows me - where no one will know my pain and humiliation? will I just become that poor middle aged woman who takes care of her elderly parents, because well, she never married or had kids so she's perfect for the job?

 At the moment, I'm so tired but I don't want to go to bed, because I don't want tomorrow to come if I'm right. I hope I'm wrong.

Still waiting...

Hope anchors the soul...

Waiting again

I'm just waiting. Nothing else to do but wait. Sigh.

Try #2 in the bag

Yesterday's experience was quite a bit harder than last time.

P A I N F U L. 

I fully acknowledge my wimp status when it comes to medical procedures, but this was quite a bit worse than the time before, because the doctor also had to use a tenaculum this time. This is a clamp for the cervix. So I could explain more, but if you're at all like me, that description alone just gave you the heebie jeebies. That's right people, a clamp.

I have fully given up taking my temperature every morning, because it served it's purpose to establish my cycle timelines, but now only gives me anxiety trying to glean more from the information than is actually possible. So now...the hopeful wait. I'm giving my all this time around to not turn into the crazy woman that I turned into last time. This week will probably be just fine. Next week however?  I'll be busy, which is helpful, though my busyness has never stopped by brain from overthinking everything to death. Hopefully I'll keep it occupied as well.

With thee, sweet Hope! resides the heav'nly light,

That pours remotest rapture on the sight:

Thine is the charm of life's bewilder'd way,

That calls each slumb'ring passion into play:

Wak'd by thy touch, I see the sister band,

On tiptoe watching, start at thy command,

And fly where'er thy mandate bids them steer,

To Pleasure's path, or Glory's bright career. ~ Thomas Campbell