Monday, March 12, 2012

I don't know but I think I know...

Had an interesting experience tonight. I feel quite sure, and quite sad, that I'm having symptoms of PMS, so I went to the pharmacy to purchase tampons, just in case. And at one point I also had a pregnancy test in the basket, just in case. How do you keep the faith and hope when everything points you in the opposite direction?

I feel desperate to make a plan for if this doesn't work right away, and therefore have 80 million questions running through my mind - do I need to seek some sort of drug assistance? should I take a month off? should I try a different donor? do I have enough money to make several more attempts before seeking fertility assistance?
Do I have a plan if this doesn't work at all? If I don't should I? can I make being an aunt enough? should I make plans to travel? should I move away? should I start my life all over somewhere where no one knows me - where no one will know my pain and humiliation? will I just become that poor middle aged woman who takes care of her elderly parents, because well, she never married or had kids so she's perfect for the job?

 At the moment, I'm so tired but I don't want to go to bed, because I don't want tomorrow to come if I'm right. I hope I'm wrong.

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