Tomorrow - IUI #2

I've been having some high anxiety the last 2 days, because I'd planned for an LH surge on Monday or Tuesday, indicating when I should go in for my 2nd IUI procedure. And as of this morning it hadn't happened, which made me wonder if I'd somehow missed my chance. So I called to change my appointment, for the third time this week, to tomorrow.

I think my anxiety is threefold: first, it comes from inconveniencing others because I have to figure out when I can do this in a very small window while considering what works for my job, what works for the clinic, and what works for my mom (and sister who is in town) so that they can come support me - both because I feel like I need at least one of them and because they really want to be there for me; second, it comes from the idea that I may have missed my opportunity this month - which I now know I haven't, but which is the first thing that comes to mind - and proves yet again how little I can control in this process; and third, I now will be having the doctor in the clinic do my procedure - I haven't met her and I'm nervous. My regular nurse practitioner is who I've consulted with over the last 6 months and who did my IUI last time. I like her. I'm comfortable with and trust her but she's out on Wednesdays. I'm sure the doctor is great, but it just adds another layer of insecurity and feeling out of control.

Thank God I am working with a clinic where the women there are SO flexible and nice and do everything they can to make this as easy as possible for me. They have proven over and over that I made the right choice to work with them, and I feel really very lucky to have discovered them when I first started this process. So even though I'm nervous about a new person, I'm grateful that she is the one who sets the standard of generosity and compassion for the clinic. And if I learn anything from this process, I pray it will be how to let go of things I can't control.

Tomorrow - IUI #2...

Struggles

The reality of what I'm trying to accomplish, the way in which I'm trying to change my life - both the blessings and consequences of it all - is starting to hit me. I have always been just shy of being on the same developmental page as the peers in my life. And now several of the good peer friendships I have finally fostered in my singing career feel threatened due to several factors:

• I will someday soon hopefully have a newborn, and all their kids are getting close to or already are school age; 
• I am single and therefore must work full-time outside the home, they all have husbands or partners and therefore are not required to work full-time outside the home;
• I will no longer be able to focus on getting roles or doing auditions (just when opportunities seem to be finally becoming possible, so those friends will definitely be doing just that) or continuing the work at least in the opera  for which I've dedicated my life to for the last 15 years because I can't do everything, and they, having partners to help support their families, have the flexibility to focus on music being their primary vocation.

So my all-consuming career hopes and dreams are somewhat coming to a close. And that isn't so much of an issue - though I'm having some sadness about it, I do think it will be worth it. And while obviously I expect major things will change, it's just the life I lead now because it's all connected, all seems to be coming to a very weird end, too. I find I now have no real idea of whether I'll be able to maintain these friendships when we once again, have little in common. There is also the risk of 'out of site, out of mind'. We're together a lot now, in the intimate internal workings of theater - little is hidden - and once I'm not there, will I even be considered part of the 'group'? I have doubts. And then it seems the remaining friendships I have (outside the work) may be threatened by break-ups and moves away soon. The core group of friends/family I thought I'd be bringing a baby into, now seems to be dissipating right in front of me and I'm freaking out a little. Add to that my day job which is unnecessarily yet incredibly stressful - my choice to try to get pregnant on my own has turned into a tidal wave wall of scary shit just coming my way. I feel incredibly lonely and anxious and not sure of anything right now.

Starting over

I know for sure now that I am not pregnant this time around. I'm bummed, but I guess not totally surprised. And honestly am totally relieved to finally know. I'm such a weirdo - not knowing is almost harder for me than it not happening. It's such a long shot on the first try and if after several it still isn't happening, I guess it will be time to seek out fertility assistance, but I'm really hoping to not have to go there. My plan has never been to risk, other than naturally, getting pregnant with multiples if I don't have to. And when you add ovulation boosters in the mix, you up those chances significantly.

On we go. I'll schedule my next appointment with the clinic for two weeks from now and try, try again. Now that I've gone through one full round of this process, I think this next round will be easier somehow. I will still have to wait, but I will have a better chance of filling that time and fretting less, not reading into every single little thing. I wanted to find a quote that inspired me to pick up and try again - but everything I found used the word 'fail'. This isn't a failure, it's nature. Nature never fails, it just decides when the time is right. So I'll go to my old standby -

"Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience." 

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Test 2

Another negative result this morning. And I am feeling very PMSy - which isn't definitive because those are also symptoms of early pregnancy. Still have hope, because it's still early. But feeling really discombobulated by it all today and am not sleeping well and woke up with a little head cold, which isn't helping. I was reminded yesterday, I know with totally good intentions, that the odds of this happening on the first try can't possibly be high except apparently in 15 year old girls. It's true. But it kind of 'slapped' me back into reality. Trying hard to keep the faith, but mostly just want to know one way or the other.

Patience Schmatience - the ravings of a crazy woman

So... I had good intentions of not enabling my own crazy-making with the temperature taking this week. I have promised myself and others SEVERAL times that I would stop. But I haven't and I won't. And now, to add to it, I bought an Early Pregnancy Test (EPT) yesterday and with the sweet crazy-enabling assistance of my bff and mom, took one of those tests this morning. Now, rationally I totally know it's really too early to take this test, but the box came with 3 - so with strategic planning I mapped out when I'll take the other 2 as well, at a more reasonable time in the next couple of days. Look, it's a plan. I'm NOTHING without a plan no matter how hard I try and I've given up trying to quit myself. Plan Plan Plan. HA!

Current: Test 1 - NOT PREGNANT

The Crazy-Making Two Week Wait

Here we are. Waiting. Waiting. Aaaaannnndddd, waiting some more. It's been 8 days since I did the IUI and for about 6 of those I felt like I'd pulled a muscle in my abdomen or that I was having pms cramps or that I was flushing or that I was exhausted or that I was having hormonal surges that caused a HUGE meltdown by Saturday night. The truth is my sore abdomen and cramps were probably from the tension of the procedure, the flushing was likely just a warmer than usual room, the exhaustion might have come from four 16-17 hour days in a row - including a flight to LA and back in the same day with a full day of meetings while there, and then 12 hours of exhausting and stressful opera rehearsals where for the first time ever I was utterly unprepared to do my job. The 45 minute crying meltdown was probably a direct result of all of these things and the fact that out of nowhere, I snapped at my beloved friend during one of those nutty rehearsals and then also found out I hadn't been invited to a party that everyone else got invited to - and for the first time in my crazy little life, cared. Add to all that the temperature tracking - which is in no way predictable or consistent for anyone EVER - that has sent me mixed messages every day since the IUI. What do you get? One very confused chica.

So, as of this morning, I have discontinued the temperature taking unless this didn't take and I need to start again. I ate a turkey sandwich (not supposed to have deli meat when pregnant) AND I added a small bit of caffeine back into my morning coffee. Oh and did I mention that though I had been cutting back, I also went cold turkey on the caffeine last week? Yeah, let's just help that crazy along.

Now I'm just back to waiting. I'll be honest, even though I'm nuts, I'm still hopeful. I won't know until I know. There will be no sign, there will be no 'predicting' before it's time. (Unless I puke, and then all bets are off, because I can pretty much count on 1 hand how many times I've done that in my life.)

Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, 
and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all. - Emily Dickinson