Friday, February 24, 2012


The reality of what I'm trying to accomplish, the way in which I'm trying to change my life - both the blessings and consequences of it all - is starting to hit me. I have always been just shy of being on the same developmental page as the peers in my life. And now several of the good peer friendships I have finally fostered in my singing career feel threatened due to several factors:

  • I will someday soon hopefully have a newborn, and all their kids are getting close to or already are school age; 
  • I am single and therefore must work full-time outside the home, they all have husbands or partners and therefore are not required to work full-time outside the home;
  • I will no longer be able to focus on getting roles or doing auditions (just when opportunities seem to be finally becoming possible, so those friends will definitely be doing just that) or continuing the work at least in the opera  for which I've dedicated my life to for the last 15 years because I can't do everything, and they, having partners to help support their families, have the flexibility to focus on music being their primary vocation.
So my all-consuming career hopes and dreams are somewhat coming to a close. And that isn't so much of an issue - though I'm having some sadness about it, I do think it will be worth it. And while obviously I expect major things will change, it's just the life I lead now because it's all connected, all seems to be coming to a very weird end, too. I find I now have no real idea of whether I'll be able to maintain these friendships when we once again, have little in common. There is also the risk of 'out of site, out of mind'. We're together a lot now, in the intimate internal workings of theater - little is hidden - and once I'm not there, will I even be considered part of the 'group'? I have doubts. And then it seems the remaining friendships I have (outside the work) may be threatened by break-ups and moves away soon. The core group of friends/family I thought I'd be bringing a baby into, now seems to be dissipating right in front of me and I'm freaking out a little. Add to that my day job which is unnecessarily yet incredibly stressful - my choice to try to get pregnant on my own has turned into a tidal wave wall of scary shit just coming my way. I feel incredibly lonely and anxious and not sure of anything right now.

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