Really?

I've officially informed my Little Village of Hope and Encouragement the good news and have received numerous squealing with delight emails and calls - which has been very fun. Now I am doing my best to believe it all to be true. Next Wednesday, I'll get a blood test just to confirm it, as everything I read says to do so. Then it's all a matter of taking good care of myself so this little bud can grow grow grow!!! I had a dream last night that I'd forgotten to show up to work, a birthday party, a hair appointment and a concert I'm singing in, in a couple of weeks. So that was awesome. Probably just my subconscious helping me get back my focus. I don't feel like focusing on anything else right now! My plan is to wait to put anything together, baby-wise, until this summer - just so I can really take the time to do it, instead of balancing between work and shows. But until then it's all about making sure I stay healthy and active. Besides, the one thing I have heard from 99% of the LVof H&E is that they can't wait to shop - whew! I'm probably safe just waiting that part out a bit.

My hope continues: hope for a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy, happy baby!

 

I can hardly believe it myself, but here we are...yay!!!

I don't know but I think I know...

Had an interesting experience tonight. I feel quite sure, and quite sad, that I'm having symptoms of PMS, so I went to the pharmacy to purchase tampons, just in case. And at one point I also had a pregnancy test in the basket, just in case. How do you keep the faith and hope when everything points you in the opposite direction?

I feel desperate to make a plan for if this doesn't work right away, and therefore have 80 million questions running through my mind - do I need to seek some sort of drug assistance? should I take a month off? should I try a different donor? do I have enough money to make several more attempts before seeking fertility assistance?
Do I have a plan if this doesn't work at all? If I don't should I? can I make being an aunt enough? should I make plans to travel? should I move away? should I start my life all over somewhere where no one knows me - where no one will know my pain and humiliation? will I just become that poor middle aged woman who takes care of her elderly parents, because well, she never married or had kids so she's perfect for the job?

 At the moment, I'm so tired but I don't want to go to bed, because I don't want tomorrow to come if I'm right. I hope I'm wrong.

Still waiting...

Hope anchors the soul...

Waiting again

I'm just waiting. Nothing else to do but wait. Sigh.

Try #2 in the bag

Yesterday's experience was quite a bit harder than last time.

P A I N F U L. 

I fully acknowledge my wimp status when it comes to medical procedures, but this was quite a bit worse than the time before, because the doctor also had to use a tenaculum this time. This is a clamp for the cervix. So I could explain more, but if you're at all like me, that description alone just gave you the heebie jeebies. That's right people, a clamp.

I have fully given up taking my temperature every morning, because it served it's purpose to establish my cycle timelines, but now only gives me anxiety trying to glean more from the information than is actually possible. So now...the hopeful wait. I'm giving my all this time around to not turn into the crazy woman that I turned into last time. This week will probably be just fine. Next week however?  I'll be busy, which is helpful, though my busyness has never stopped by brain from overthinking everything to death. Hopefully I'll keep it occupied as well.

With thee, sweet Hope! resides the heav'nly light,

That pours remotest rapture on the sight:

Thine is the charm of life's bewilder'd way,

That calls each slumb'ring passion into play:

Wak'd by thy touch, I see the sister band,

On tiptoe watching, start at thy command,

And fly where'er thy mandate bids them steer,

To Pleasure's path, or Glory's bright career. ~ Thomas Campbell