Limited

Motherhood is most often a choice, a calling, a deeply rooted yearning to nurture and connect. Choosing to become a mother (or parent) on ones own, usually means the call could no longer be ignored or put aside or put off into the future. Biological timing has often been a factor for women who make this choice but even in the short time since I made mine, there are now so many younger women for whom motherhood trumps a longterm or permanent relationship, and they are making this choice earlier in their lives - well before the biological term limits are even in sight. Sometimes I feel a little envious of them. I had 40 years before I made my choice, and did follow, if even in a very small way, my dreams for a while in there. But what I'm finding now, as I have turned 48 recently, and am watching my 6 year old become more independent every day - in sometimes small ways but indicative of who he will grow to be - is that I'm staring at a lonely future. I don't know if I am, because who can really tell the future, but it feels like it a bit. I will have family. I have siblings, nieces and nephews and cousins, so I don't know if I'll ever find myself truly alone unless by choice, but lonely is a very different thing. Those who choose this path when so much younger than I was, seem to have much more time on the other side of the 18+years of being directly and importantly part of their children's lives. Most of them will have time to build more for themselves. I plan to live as long as possible, so I'm not anticipating an early demise, but I feel limited. I feel the fear of my child growing into a man and his future without me. I know it will and should be this way, but it is a really scary concept of separating from him. A year ago, he told me we'll live together always, and a few days ago he promised to visit when he has time off from work. It is so silly, but I was gutted. At 6 he already has an understanding of what it might look like down the road. And I'm starting to also.