10 weeks and lonely

Last week at work was total crap, so this weekend I've done very little but recoup my mental health and energy. I'm also finding that I just want to sleep a lot right now, so I've kind of just given in. All the literature says that my emotions could be super high and super low about this time, and I've definitely been experiencing the super low. The work drama was terrible, but the feeling of incredible loneliness has been worse. I do 'feel' better thank goodness, not 100% quite yet, but better. Hopefully the lows and the need to sleep are all indications of being right on track.

I find that my normal way of getting through things isn't kicking in quite the same - usually I make a plan and move it forward. But right now, I feel a little in limbo, and a little static. I want to kick my own butt, but honestly, my butt prefers to lie down! I think having a friend close by or a partner would help motivate me to get going on something, anything - coffee or a walk or shopping or well, anything. But right now, every person I know has their own life and the prospect of getting up and out to do something by myself leaves me totally cold. I don't know if it's because I feel vulnerable, or what. But it's definitely how I feel. And it kind of sucks.

I did get to babysit my niece last night - and she just reminds me every minute that I'm with her about how this will hopefully all turn out. She is smart and funny and adorable and seeing her relieves the loneliness a bit too.

At 10 weeks, my little pal is the size of a prune, or a kumquat. The kumquat is a far prettier little fruit!

9 weeks and a picture

My little peanut is right there on the bottom of that dark circle in the middle, head on the left. Mom and I got to see and hear the heartbeat, and I'm already feeling so much better. I really like my OB and am relieved that she is open to the idea of elective c-section, based primarily on my age and that this will likely be a one shot deal for me. The nurse was the sweetest chica in the world - she was just so warm and kind that I felt very taken care of. The office and hospital feel new and open, and warm and comforting - not chaotic and cold like so many. I finally got excited today and for the first time feel really happy about it all. A little giggly and a little emotional. I feel grateful.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big day because I'll be starting my 9th week of pregnancy, meeting my potential OB for the first time, and will also get my first ultrasound. I guess I'm not as nervous about things as I was, really only because I feel like crap a lot of the time right now which is likely a good sign that things are on track. I'm certainly filling out in the middle, my boobies hurt, I gag horrifically at certain smells - or inexplicably at nothing I can pinpoint, I am really and truly fighting the hormonal blues, and I'm tired most of the time. My anxiety is more about still feeling like, though I know why my body is changing, I'm still not connecting with this pregnancy emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm BLOODY EMOTIONAL, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions - talking about being pregnant, talking about preparations, talking about feeling pregnant, talking about what comes next. All these are good and rather logical things to do considering the circumstances, but I'm missing the excitement I thought I'd be feeling. Some part of me wonders if maybe it's because I'm just really lonely right now, or because I don't have an intimate partner to share all this with, and then some part of me wonders if I'm a just nutball, and all of me just keeps hoping it will get better. When I'm around or talking to family and friends who are excited it helps enormously to absorb their vibes. But they are yet to be my vibes. Maybe tomorrow will help me know it all to be true, maybe once I start showing (more than just looking thick around the middle and fatter in the face) and start wearing maternity clothes I'll feel more legit, or maybe once I am able to share with everyone around me the news it will start to help me connect. But, right now, I just wish to come home after work and instead of needing to lay down until bedtime, wish I would feel like taking a walk or vacuuming my floors or washing my clothes (though the detergent makes me gag), like a responsible grown-up.
I hope tomorrow goes well and that I am launched into emotionally connecting with it all and with the little green olive inside me (ironically, one of my very favorite foods:))

Not an uplifting post...just gotta vent.

This past week has been a bit of a test. I've been exhausted - I think because of the concert last weekend, dealing with waves of nausea, and having trouble sleeping because of waking up in the middle of the night starving and needing to eat. Which probably means I wasn't eating enough in those 6-7 small meals all day long. That I have to discover this stuff by doing it wrong, I do NOT like. And I've been feeling stressed at work and a bit lonely at home. So all in all, not feeling my best. 

I did get to see my niece on Friday night and a good cuddle from her is salve anytime, a Costco outing with my friend Scott was good, and then dinner with my folks last night also helped. They were great when I got all teary at the table in the restaurant. I'm just feeling weirdly uneasy and at the same time, doing my best to stay calm and to ward off anxiety attacks and depression. I think it will help to have my first OB appt and ultrasound next week, and then also when I no longer am keeping this a 'secret' (which sounds funny since so many people already know).But I'm also hypersensitive to all of a sudden being the center of attention. I fear desperately that I'll be literally unrecognizable by the time we get to November because of weight gain, and am terrified that people will want to take 100 million pictures of me which I will just hate (for the record, I hate getting my picture taken now, so this isn't new) since I'm already starting to feel my clothes getting a little tighter and my torso getting thicker. I get into a full rehearsal schedule this week on top of work which makes me really anxious too, just in terms of not getting enough rest. 

So - I know it's all worth it. But I'd really like to feel better, that's all. 

In better news - my little pal is the size of a raspberry this week and apparently wiggling its little webbed fingers and toes a lot. How 'they' know this, I have no idea. But I'll take it. 

My little pal -

Last week was crazy for me - working and then also rehearsing for a concert yesterday, all while learning to navigate some rockin' nausea and exhaustion. But the concert went well and I'm starting to get the hang of eating little meals every couple of hours and drinking lots of water - which helps a bit. Though not exactly pleasant, if this is as bad as it gets, I'll be perfectly happy.

I've told all of my family now and the responses have been very supportive and loving. I wasn't sure at first how some would react so I felt really vulnerable sending the email - but they were great, and I'm grateful and frankly, relieved. Everyone knows it's early in the game, but I think they're happy to be able to support from a distance with love and prayers - and they are excited!

This week my little pal is the size of a blueberry and has webbed hands and feet and probably a tail. Not a bundle of cuddly cuteness quite yet, but working on it. And today, I had the fun experience today of sharing the names I've chosen with my mom. She, who is insatiably curious, feels honored to know and I'm glad I shared.

33 weeks to go...