Sunday, April 15, 2012


Tomorrow is a big day because I'll be starting my 9th week of pregnancy, meeting my potential OB for the first time, and will also get my first ultrasound. I guess I'm not as nervous about things as I was, really only because I feel like crap a lot of the time right now which is likely a good sign that things are on track. I'm certainly filling out in the middle, my boobies hurt, I gag horrifically at certain smells - or inexplicably at nothing I can pinpoint, I am really and truly fighting the hormonal blues, and I'm tired most of the time. My anxiety is more about still feeling like, though I know why my body is changing, I'm still not connecting with this pregnancy emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm BLOODY EMOTIONAL, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions - talking about being pregnant, talking about preparations, talking about feeling pregnant, talking about what comes next. All these are good and rather logical things to do considering the circumstances, but I'm missing the excitement I thought I'd be feeling. Some part of me wonders if maybe it's because I'm just really lonely right now, or because I don't have an intimate partner to share all this with, and then some part of me wonders if I'm a just nutball, and all of me just keeps hoping it will get better. When I'm around or talking to family and friends who are excited it helps enormously to absorb their vibes. But they are yet to be my vibes. Maybe tomorrow will help me know it all to be true, maybe once I start showing (more than just looking thick around the middle and fatter in the face) and start wearing maternity clothes I'll feel more legit, or maybe once I am able to share with everyone around me the news it will start to help me connect. But, right now, I just wish to come home after work and instead of needing to lay down until bedtime, wish I would feel like taking a walk or vacuuming my floors or washing my clothes (though the detergent makes me gag), like a responsible grown-up.
I hope tomorrow goes well and that I am launched into emotionally connecting with it all and with the little green olive inside me (ironically, one of my very favorite foods:))

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