Friday, July 27, 2018

Feeling behind and lazy.

It's been a year, almost to the day, since my last post. I found it astonishing when I figured that out, but maybe not too astonishing. A lot has happened in the past year and I think when I decided to "do nothing" as a plan, I meant it, mostly.

It's been a year since I committed to living more in the moment and not having a bunch of personal goals or plans or things to strive for. At about the 6-month mark, right at the start of the new year, I made a list of things I want to accomplish by my 50th birthday, 2.5 years from now, and it felt good to put some goals on paper, but to also not feel an oppressive, imminent deadline. Since that list, my son played a 3-month season of T-ball, I had a big project at work, we have been on a few short car trips away, I've read some books, and generally we've played a lot. It's been good. In the last few days, however, I've hit the "I'm bored" wall hard, and once again, I'm plagued by a feeling of being lazy and not learning, not striving.

Singing is just off the table. It's been hard to accept it but for now, and the near future, I still can't see a way to sing without taking important time away from my son. So there it is. But I long for a creative outlet. I have done some glass fusion work, but at this point, I'm such a novice, that the time and cost are a little prohibitive. That's frustrating, but not a deal breaker yet so I'll probably try again to see if I can get a bit obviously better and more the hang of it. I've been looking at taking a class or two, but nothing has clicked for me there yet, either. We are entering a new chapter in a few weeks as my son will start kindergarten. There, I may find more "to do" though it still won't be a personal piece for me, and I can already see it's not enough. So I'll keep searching.

The truth is that I'm never not busy. Being a solo mom to a 5.5yo means the work of parenting and maintaining our life is never-ending and sometimes it feels relentless. My 5.5 yo is also in a several months-long phase of being eternally frustrated with rules and direction, he takes everything personally, pushes all the boundaries, blames others for his mistakes and crap choices, and it is exhausting. Having a child who is incredibly bright and savvy but who is also still just 5, is very rewarding much of the time, and yet almost always challenging. I think him starting kindergarten will be a great change for us both, but it's going to be a long 4 weeks until then!

As always, sometimes I'm striving for balance in our life and sometimes I'm struggling to survive the day. I guess that's just parenting.




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