We are 2 years, 2 months and 18 days since the birth of my beautiful boy, and it has been a crazy, wonderful ride so far. I don't know if I'll continue this blog on the regular, but I might. It's hard to know what to write about now - there are a million things to say related to parenting, single parenting, toddlers, boys, etc., but I'm not sure if it's unique or interesting enough to share or if I'll just wind up whining a lot, and sounding like (most) every other blogging parent out there. We'll see. Part of my hesitation is that when sharing truth, it isn't always pretty, perfect or divine, and I don't want to have to qualify every complaint/vent/issue/thought with a statement of my unconditional love for my boy. I chose this without hesitation, and I love and adore him - every single cell of him - unconditionally and forever. If I had it to do over, I would do it again in less than a blink. There. Done. I've said it. So now, when I complain/vent/share, hopefully, I can write feeling a little more guilt-free.
He is such an amazing little guy - full of energetic curiosity about the people and world around him, smart, funny, sweet, ridiculously communicative and exceptionally verbal. He doesn't stop moving when he's awake but, luckily for me, he also goes to sleep well. He is feisty and independent in so many good ways, but sometimes that results in aggressive frustration, (which, admittedly, has been pretty hard for me.) He is healthy and has weathered his vaccinations and teething episodes like a champ, and potty training has begun, slowly, but surely. He's on the slim side, but first, he never stops moving and second, his doctor is cool with it, so I am too. His daycare mom and her family love him to pieces (again, lucky me) - he is learning two alphabets, counts to 12, sings and/or dances all the time, and she puts him on the treadmill to help him run out his energy a little during the days they can't be outside as much. He is my joy, every single day.
I'm tired. Really. Truly. I've never been a sit-around person - I've had a day job and a secondary performing career for the last 20 years. So I'm very used to a busy, full schedule. But the 24/7 nature of being a parent, and especially as a full-time working single mom, has me feeling a kind of tired I didn't realize I could feel. A lot of the tired comes from the learning curve - just as soon as you think you have a smidge of a handle on it all - a new phase, a new development stage, food he likes, diaper size, an injury-free child, the morning and evening routines, naptimes, etc. BAM! it all changes. Overnight. And then you start almost all over again. It's a constant adjustment and it's exhausting. And now adding toddler independence and emotional rollercoaster to the mix just means that I feel constantly behind while trying to think ahead. Clusterf*ck.
There are days when I feel like I've just utterly and altogether failed as a parent, days when I think we've done great only to have bedtime be a disaster and am left feeling like a total dick, mornings when NOTHING goes right and I'm a total bitchy fire-breathing dragon as we pull (finally) out of the driveway, and days when I'm just about totally checked out - just going through the motions in order to get to bedtime. Then there are mornings when he wakes me up with "Mama, Good Morning! I love you so much!", moments when I cough, and he says, "You okay, Mama?", or our long walks and times at the playground are perfectly calm and fun, and days when he sits next to me on the couch, sharing popcorn and watching Star Wars with me and is totally and perfectly settled. Every day there are brilliant, funny, tickly, and loving moments - interspersed with temper tantrums, spills, scraped knees and crayon all over the floor.
There is a daily balance to be found, I just have to keep looking. There is time to be had for myself, I just have to plan a bit better. And I'll say it again, because it will always bear repeating: I chose this without hesitation, and I love and adore him - every single cell of him - unconditionally and forever. If I had it to do over, I would do it again in less than a blink.