My first dream

Last night, I had my first dream featuring my baby boy. It was a goofy little dream about helping a small child change the baby's diaper and our conversation about diaper rash ointment, but it was for sure my baby. He was fairly nondescript, just a tiny naked baby with a diaper rash, but for some reason it is resonating with me. As we get closer, I hope we have more dream encounters - especially if they're easy and breezy like this one. It helps me keep the faith and the patience, because at this point, I am tired of this pregnant body. I'm super grateful that it's equipped to grow him and nurture him and still hopeful we'll go all the way to my due date, but I'm heavy, swollen and tired, fighting horrible nighttime heartburn and feel like I'm being stretched to splitting. There are only 31 days left and I know I can handle this, but I'm not sure I'll handle it all that gracefully and I certainly can't guarantee minimal whining. BUT, I will try. 

I also had my pre/post op conversation with the triage nurse in my clinic this week, and it went really well. I felt like she definitely respected my questions and she took time to answer each of them. All in all, I'm clear that no matter the timing, this will just happen the way it's supposed to. The clinic and hospital staff are savvy and professional and will take care of us both and as I have been spending more time with some of them because of the weekly visits/tests, I'm finding it easier to trust that as we go forward. I'm still afraid of the surgery and recovery, but I also know it's a short procedure so if I can look through to the other side, to the part where I finally meet my little guy, I will fare okay. I also want my mom and dad to be there, with mom in the OR with me, but I'm getting to the point where if for some reason she can't be, I will be okay with that too. This is NOT what I'd choose and not in the plans at all, but I'm glad to start feeling like I could do it on my own if I needed to. 

It's pretty surreal to think that I decided to have a baby on my own only 17 months ago, and because I am so lucky or blessed, or that it was SO meant to be or whatever combination of these, 18 months after making that decision, I'll be a mother to a little boy. All I can hope is that I'm as up to the task as I assumed I was when I started this process. I have so much support now, but I know, eventually, it will be up to me as to how this goes for us. I just need to bring my A game as often as possible to our little family - and I certainly will do my very best every day, whatever it looks like in that moment.

Weekly tests

At my last visit with my OB/GYN, she decided that due to my age, which qualifies me for a high-risk pregnancy, it would be best to have weekly tests going forward. So now weekly I go in for a Biophysical Profile (BPP) ultrasound, and a Non-Stress Test (NST), and then see the doctor every other week. Last week I had my first set of tests and scored 8 out of 8 on the BPP (according to my u/s tech - which is a little different scoring than the reference below) and had great results from the NST. Plus, got to see new u/s pics of my little guy. He has chubby little cheeks already! The quality of the pics isn't great, but it is good enough and one perk of having these tests each week is that I get just a little time to solely focus on him and how he's doing, and I get to 'see' him too. And the other perk is that if something goes awry, I'm confident we'll catch it early enough and hopefully will avoid any 'urgent' situation. 

From WebMD.com: 

A biophysical profile (BPP) test measures the health of your baby (fetus) duringpregnancy. A BPP test may include a nonstress test with electronic fetal heart monitoring and a fetal ultrasound. The BPP measures your baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around your baby.

A BPP is commonly done in the last trimester of pregnancy. If there is a chance that your baby may have problems during your pregnancy (high-risk pregnancy), a BPP may be done by 32 to 34 weeks or earlier. Some women with high-risk pregnancies may have a BPP test every week or twice a week in the third trimester.

Why It Is Done

A biophysical profile (BPP) test is done to:

• Learn about and keep track of your baby's health. Special ultrasound methods are used to keep track of movement, increases in heart rate with movement (nonstress test), muscle tone, breathing rate, and the amount of amniotic fluid (amniotic fluid index) surrounding your baby. If these five areas are within a normal range, your baby is considered to be in good health.

Results

A biophysical profile (BPP) test measures the health of your baby (fetus) during pregnancy. The results are scores on five measurements in a 30-minute observation period.

A score of 8 to 10 points means that your baby is healthy. A score of 6 to 8 points means that you may need to be retested in 12 to 24 hours. A score of 4 or less may mean the baby is having problems. Further testing will be recommended.

Sharing from Huff Po: The Mom Stays in the Picture

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

It's like she took my thoughts and feelings and put them into words - now if I could just learn from her stunning insight. 

Showered with blessings

On this past Saturday, my good friend S hosted a baby shower for me at her home. It  included my mom, sister, cousin, and niece, and otherwise was full of friends with whom I have worked in one way or another, mostly singers. More than 20 women actually. She served a delicious champagne brunch, made up beautiful flower bouquets that included lavender from her garden, and had sweet little Baby Boy party favors right when we walked in the door. It was just as I would have planned it: sweet, but unassuming. I received loads of gifts that were very obviously thoughtfully given, and the energy in the room was clearly supportive of and excited for me. I couldn't have asked for anything nicer. It still seems a little surreal that it was for me and this baby that we haven't even met yet! Cheesy but true: I am so grateful for these people who are surrounding me with cushion and love. 

Less than 7 weeks to go -

The past couple of weeks it seems that just about everything feels like a practice in contradicting feelings. One moment I'm happy about all that will change, the very next I'm sad about it, and the big picture is both super exciting and terrifying. The things about my life that, for years, I've been fairly passive and half-assed in addressing now seem HUGE and DAUNTING and as though they could make or break me if I don't get them handled this minute. And I have an enormous fear of everything spiraling out of control the moment this baby gets here. Yet am probably not nearly worried enough about him actually being a part of my everyday life. I have so much to do, and find myself paralyzed by it all. As a planner by nature, it is nearly impossible to fathom that I am not managing executing my plans very well.

My parents have been helpful though and have walked me through listing the priorities. They have also offered to help where they can and that makes a big difference. I think being partnerless shows up more in this stage of pregnancy than it has at any other time so far. If there were 2 of us figuring this stuff out together, it would seem perhaps a little less daunting. Not according to many of my married friends of course, but I don't buy it. Even little things like having someone else around to take laundry downstairs or up, or to talk over how to manage the first few weeks post-partum at home - as a team, or to help fill out the paperwork that is so monotonous yet so important. I'm lucky to have my parents and friends, but these are still things I need to do, and as I'm about to become a single mother, they will always be my responsibility. And they just might be easier if I was doing them with someone who had a more vested interest, like mine, in getting it all done. I just hope something triggers and I, sometime sooner than later, become unparalyzed by it all. 

And if I don't and this baby comes early, the earth will continue to rotate around the sun. And I will get the help I need. And someone will take out my garbage for me. And all will be well eventually. Just have to remind myself of these things over and over.