Friday, October 19, 2012

My first dream

Last night, I had my first dream featuring my baby boy. It was a goofy little dream about helping a small child change the baby's diaper and our conversation about diaper rash ointment, but it was for sure my baby. He was fairly nondescript, just a tiny naked baby with a diaper rash, but for some reason it is resonating with me. As we get closer, I hope we have more dream encounters - especially if they're easy and breezy like this one. It helps me keep the faith and the patience, because at this point, I am tired of this pregnant body. I'm super grateful that it's equipped to grow him and nurture him and still hopeful we'll go all the way to my due date, but I'm heavy, swollen and tired, fighting horrible nighttime heartburn and feel like I'm being stretched to splitting. There are only 31 days left and I know I can handle this, but I'm not sure I'll handle it all that gracefully and I certainly can't guarantee minimal whining. BUT, I will try. 

I also had my pre/post op conversation with the triage nurse in my clinic this week, and it went really well. I felt like she definitely respected my questions and she took time to answer each of them. All in all, I'm clear that no matter the timing, this will just happen the way it's supposed to. The clinic and hospital staff are savvy and professional and will take care of us both and as I have been spending more time with some of them because of the weekly visits/tests, I'm finding it easier to trust that as we go forward. I'm still afraid of the surgery and recovery, but I also know it's a short procedure so if I can look through to the other side, to the part where I finally meet my little guy, I will fare okay. I also want my mom and dad to be there, with mom in the OR with me, but I'm getting to the point where if for some reason she can't be, I will be okay with that too. This is NOT what I'd choose and not in the plans at all, but I'm glad to start feeling like I could do it on my own if I needed to. 

It's pretty surreal to think that I decided to have a baby on my own only 17 months ago, and because I am so lucky or blessed, or that it was SO meant to be or whatever combination of these, 18 months after making that decision, I'll be a mother to a little boy. All I can hope is that I'm as up to the task as I assumed I was when I started this process. I have so much support now, but I know, eventually, it will be up to me as to how this goes for us. I just need to bring my A game as often as possible to our little family - and I certainly will do my very best every day, whatever it looks like in that moment.

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