The past couple of weeks it seems that just about everything feels like a practice in contradicting feelings. One moment I'm happy about all that will change, the very next I'm sad about it, and the big picture is both super exciting and terrifying. The things about my life that, for years, I've been fairly passive and half-assed in addressing now seem HUGE and DAUNTING and as though they could make or break me if I don't get them handled this minute. And I have an enormous fear of everything spiraling out of control the moment this baby gets here. Yet am probably not nearly worried enough about him actually being a part of my everyday life. I have so much to do, and find myself paralyzed by it all. As a planner by nature, it is nearly impossible to fathom that I am not managing executing my plans very well.
My parents have been helpful though and have walked me through listing the priorities. They have also offered to help where they can and that makes a big difference. I think being partnerless shows up more in this stage of pregnancy than it has at any other time so far. If there were 2 of us figuring this stuff out together, it would seem perhaps a little less daunting. Not according to many of my married friends of course, but I don't buy it. Even little things like having someone else around to take laundry downstairs or up, or to talk over how to manage the first few weeks post-partum at home - as a team, or to help fill out the paperwork that is so monotonous yet so important. I'm lucky to have my parents and friends, but these are still things I need to do, and as I'm about to become a single mother, they will always be my responsibility. And they just might be easier if I was doing them with someone who had a more vested interest, like mine, in getting it all done. I just hope something triggers and I, sometime sooner than later, become unparalyzed by it all.
And if I don't and this baby comes early, the earth will continue to rotate around the sun. And I will get the help I need. And someone will take out my garbage for me. And all will be well eventually. Just have to remind myself of these things over and over.