Patience is a what?

Woke up to a low basal temp and a smiley face on the OPK stick which means I've ovulated today - a Saturday - so 4 more weeks to start TTC. Feel weirdly alone at this point. I know I have support, and I know those closest to this process are right there with me, to the extent they can be, but it's all about me and up to my body at this point which makes is so personal. And since it's not really even up to me, since I can't control timing, I feel a little out of sorts. I'm actually relieved that I know, so I can spend the next 3 days of my vacation 'vacating' to an extent, instead of fretting. But I live in that weird place of cautious optimism which means I am hopeful that all things will go as planned, or as I plan them, but I know better as a realist which leaves me trying to figure out how to feel about it all. I HATE the unknown. And, really I knew that hoping for Tuesday was a long shot, I'm totally consistent every month with ovulating, so the chances were very good that it would happen over the weekend, which means I'd be of luck for trying this month. Add to that the fact that it's a holiday weekend, and the chances of even stretching it to Monday were slim and even if so, still not possible to try because of the holiday office closures. But I got caught up in that optimism part, the "if you build it, they will come" and kind of let go of the cautious. I have decided that optimism and hope lies in the very fact that I'm doing this at all, and the rest will be cautious. It's the only way I can balance my crazy emotions. So...it will happen when it does, and all the plans I have will just have to be adjusted accordingly and crazy-jump the gun-anticipation will just have to shut its pie hole so I can make it through this part.

These are the times when it would be nicer to be talking this through and doing this together with someone I love, (and I mean a partner, not my mom). And I knew there would be those times when I made this decision to go it on my own. So, I am disappointed, but moving on and am going to make the most of the next 4 weeks. I've got a lot to do, and I can continue to eat better, move my body more, and trust that these are all steps along my path.

Almost time to begin

I finally have a few minutes to catch up on my progress, so here it goes. Since my last post, I've moved, sung 12 Nutcrackers, started rehearsals for a houseconcert in January, have spent much time with my baby niece and family, and several Christmas and birthday celebrations have come and gone (and we still have another Christmas celebration tomorrow with the extended family), hosted guests in my new home, and of course all the while, worked my day job which included a 2 day staff retreat. I'll be honest, I'm tired, so am really glad to have this week away from my day job - though I've filled it to the brim with all the other stuff and family. But also, in truth, it's been a good thing to be occupied in the last few weeks before starting TTC. My lab work is done and all good, I've chosen a donor (my 2nd choice actually, who turned into my first choice just in the past 2 days), contacted the clinic to make an appointment for Tuesday afternoon and the cryobank to make sure they can deliver if I call first thing Tuesday morning, working under the assumption that I should ovulate Monday and then need to do the intrauterine insemination within 24 hours of that to be optimally fertile (and this means I had to consider that Monday will be a holiday and both will be closed, so needed to get a jump on what's possible with such short notice.) That's all squared away. Now I wait to see what my body will do and live in the land of something I can't control in the slightest.

As a rule, I'm not a big crier, but when I'm anxious or nervous, especially with the unknown, crying is kind of my unintentional release. So I'm getting used to crying A LOT over the littlest stuff. I guess it's prep for raging hormones, which will come with being pregnant, which is what I want. But still. I cried at the words Holiday Spirit on the radio last week. This is out of control!!! And I am definitely trying to remain calm while also feeling exceptionally anxious right now. Stress is not conducive to conceiving, and it behooves me to do everything I can to choose the right conditions for the procedure. It won't exactly be comfortable, and my mom will be there, and it will be in a sterile but not very well decorated clinic patient room with bad lighting - so THOSE particular conditions are not exactly what one thinks of when making a baby, but it's what I've got to work with, so I will. Which means anything else I can do to relax will be helpful. Don't know what that is yet, but I'm working on it. Starting with staying in my pajama pants, hoodie and slippers all day long today. Countdown 4 days, or 4 more weeks to TTC. I'd like to get this party started, so crossing my fingers and hoping for Tuesday to be the day.

Could be a lot of good endings and exciting new beginnings in the next few days. Happy New Year!