Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Life and Limbo

Since my last post, I'm in the middle of rehearsals for a show, and an upcoming concert, my sister had her first baby 3 weeks early (my first niece!), there was a baptism for my cousin's son, and my uncle got married, we had family in town, and my car broke, and my landlord raised the rent so now I really want to move soon...in addition to working full-time. It's been really hard to think of anything other than these things, especially when I want/need to be present for each, but I'd really rather be in a baby-making head space. It's probably great practice for my upcoming life, but I'm not sure I needed more practice multi-tasking life events, I've had lots! So for a while I was feeling really down at what felt like a stall in my momentum. It's weird to feel like I want to talk about it all the time, and not be able to really due to circumstances and timing. And I find I repeat myself a lot - the same questions or issues or plans - to the same, patient people. While they don't seem to mind so much, my feelings of being redundant and an imposition plague me.

I did finally get some time to talk things out with my mom, mostly after having a meltdown starting with not understanding what my temperature charts were telling me and not being able to find time to exercise - which is the top thing my doctor says I need to do. My mom helped me solve the first, she said, "Just take it, chart it every day, and let the doctors read it later." She remembers what it was like doing the same thing every morning years ago when they were struggling to get pregnant before I was adopted - and that helped enormously. I think I just need permission to let some things go. Not easy or simple. Then I decided to stop being so hard on myself about exercise. It has to happen, but it can happen in pieces, and I'm in an active show, so that can be included for now. Once I get through this performing schedule I can dedicate time to MOVING both my body and my household. My goals are necessary lab tests done by Nov 1; donor decision by Dec 1; move apartment by Jan 1. Start the ACTUAL TTC in January. Find moments in there to be ridiculously excited about what may come!

Trying to remind myself to be patient.

"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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