Decisions

I mentioned in my last post that I've been feeling really distracted from my baby-making project by all the things going on in my life right now. Things haven't exactly slowed down, but they have shifted a bit which has allowed me a little more time to start thinking again. My goal is to pick a donor from a local cryobank by December 1, but I've continued to look once in a while to see if anyone new has been added to the list online. In reading about how other single moms-to-be choose, some women have donor picking parties, or some choose a donor almost as if they were about to actually date that person, some pick a donor that is a similar physical match to them. But one gal wrote of not putting too much time and obsessive energy into choosing, and that spoke to me. It feels like the most important decision I might ever make, and I have a few criteria of course, yet, I have very little control over anything other than what's presented on paper. And most of these guys are pretty young so I'm guessing their knowledge of extended family medical history is slim - at best. They're probably not calling up their mothers for more detailed information to add to their sperm donor profiles. So I can only go with what the clinic is assuring me and what the donor has offered up as truth. The clinic does give a brief staff observation of each donor (usually cheesy), the medical history, the basic stats and some answers by the donor himself to questions about his family life, education, strengths and goals, and a baby picture. I have found it interesting to judge a person by his baby picture, because how crappy is that? But I have been doing it. I have actually said to myself things like, "No that kid looks like he'd be a bully," or "no, that kid looks like he'd get his ass kicked a LOT." Deplorable. But what else am I going to do? I kind of have to take it all in and just go with my basic gut reaction. And with that said, it seems I keep coming back to the same donor every time I search, and I think I've found the one for me. His clear, concise and mature answers (with correct spelling and usage of grammar) to the questionnaire - especially about how he loves his family - sold me. That, and of course, his baby picture.

Life and Limbo

Since my last post, I'm in the middle of rehearsals for a show, and an upcoming concert, my sister had her first baby 3 weeks early (my first niece!), there was a baptism for my cousin's son, and my uncle got married, we had family in town, and my car broke, and my landlord raised the rent so now I really want to move soon...in addition to working full-time. It's been really hard to think of anything other than these things, especially when I want/need to be present for each, but I'd really rather be in a baby-making head space. It's probably great practice for my upcoming life, but I'm not sure I needed more practice multi-tasking life events, I've had lots! So for a while I was feeling really down at what felt like a stall in my momentum. It's weird to feel like I want to talk about it all the time, and not be able to really due to circumstances and timing. And I find I repeat myself a lot - the same questions or issues or plans - to the same, patient people. While they don't seem to mind so much, my feelings of being redundant and an imposition plague me.

I did finally get some time to talk things out with my mom, mostly after having a meltdown starting with not understanding what my temperature charts were telling me and not being able to find time to exercise - which is the top thing my doctor says I need to do. My mom helped me solve the first, she said, "Just take it, chart it every day, and let the doctors read it later." She remembers what it was like doing the same thing every morning years ago when they were struggling to get pregnant before I was adopted - and that helped enormously. I think I just need permission to let some things go. Not easy or simple. Then I decided to stop being so hard on myself about exercise. It has to happen, but it can happen in pieces, and I'm in an active show, so that can be included for now. Once I get through this performing schedule I can dedicate time to MOVING both my body and my household. My goals are necessary lab tests done by Nov 1; donor decision by Dec 1; move apartment by Jan 1. Start the ACTUAL TTC in January. Find moments in there to be ridiculously excited about what may come!

Trying to remind myself to be patient.

"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience." - Ralph Waldo Emerson