No more shame

Yesterday I took my son swimming at a local indoor pool. The one half-hour weekly swim lesson has just hardly seemed sufficient time in the water for my boy, especially noting that in the last couple of lessons he has started to have fear of the water, which was a new development - and I attribute it to not enough exposure. I have relied on my brother to take him a few times, and he's always had the best time. My brother is a swimmer and a great teacher, and just very patient. I'm not really. And most of that has to do with feeling absolutely body-ashamed in a swimsuit. I actually love to be in the pool, and have missed out for years. Because, again, I am ashamed of my body. In the past few months, however, I promised myself that I would do everything I could to both love my baby-producing body (when it was 41 even) and gain the courage to try again, at least for my kid and maybe also eventually, for myself. It wasn't easy, in fact it was terrifying. But other than the chaos that comes with managing a 3 year old through a locker room to a swimming pool, it was okay. Sometimes having this active child to focus on and no time for personal care, is a bonus. I literally had only the presence of mind to keep him safe, not hold in my stomach. The world didn't end. No one pointed or made fun of me (at least not out loud) and we had fun. Only for the hour-long family swim, and thankfully, not very many people were there because it was a stunningly beautiful day outside. But still, I did it. And I'll do it again.