First week back full-time

This past week was my first going back to full-time days. It wasn't horrible, but there were moments that sucked, royally. When I dropped him off, I felt a little choked up the first couple of days, but honestly the woman that cares for him, and her family, is so lovely that I am not worried about his days too much. And then during the daytime while I was at work, I had moments and twinges of sadness and longing to hold my baby, but again the woman who cares for him (let's call her B) answers any update requests I text and sent me the very sweetest picture of him one of those days (see below). And you know how 'they' say a picture is worth a thousand words?

 

So, obviously, I was reassured that he was doing fine while I was at work, which was helpful. And at the end of my work days I quite seriously walk/ran to my car in order to go pick him up - I was SO excited. And 3 out of the 4 days, when I walked in the door and he took a look at me, he gave the saddest pout and started to really cry. Crying that he rarely does unless he's startled or something has pained him. It is very likely that since on those days he didn't have an afternoon nap, he was just overtired and somehow seeing me triggered the tears. But I have to say, each of those times, once he was in the car and settled and we were on our way home, I bawled. My feelings were terribly hurt. And then, within 5 minutes of walking through our front door, he was my smiley, cuddly boy again, so I recovered - sort of. I was somewhat prepared for him to cry when I left him in the morning, which he never did, but was utterly unprepared for him to cry when I returned. Heartpain. 

Trying but failing

When I first started planning to try to have a baby on my own, and up until a couple months before I gave birth, I was fairly certain I would not breastfeed. I don't know why I wasn't interested specifically, except I couldn't really conceptualize what it would be like, and as an adoptee in the early '70s, I was formula fed so that idea didn't seem too bad.

But I was torn. All the reading I did said how good it would be for my baby to nurse - that the benefits of breastmilk far outweighed that of formula. Conclusion: Forumla = fine/breastmilk = ideal. As time got closer I struggled more and more with not really wanting to breastfeed versus wanting to give my baby every advantage for extra good health from the start. So after lots of internal debate and late night conversations with my mom, I decided that I would try to breastfeed for at least the length of my maternity leave. At my age with hypothyroidism and weight issues, and then pre-eclampsia, nursing might not even have been possible, so I was pretty happy that once he was born, I did seem to be able to nurse. And while I didn't exactly love it, I did love that I was giving him that extra boost and the time we spent that close together. It wasn't close to easy, and I did have some concerns based on his 'output' during that time that he wasn't getting enough milk or that he wasn't getting to the hindmilk, but at about 2 weeks in, it seemed like we were figuring it out and I was sure he was thriving. Because of the holidays, our 2 week check up turned out to be at 3 weeks and when he was weighed then, not only had he lost 12 ounces in the first 5 days after his birth, he hadn't gained ANY of it back. The doctor was actually pretty concerned and immediately had me start to supplement with formula and feed every 2 hours, which we did for the next 2 weeks. And thank God my boy dramatically turned the corner within a couple of days and by a week later was finally beyond his birth weight by a small margin.

Since then, I have been doing a combo of breastfeeding and formula for every feeding, which by its nature takes a lot of time, and as a single parent, figuring out how to also pump during this time has been nearly impossible if I planned to get anything else done at all. Also, since then I started to become convinced, probably because I'm surrounded by recently new moms who have been very successful at breastfeeding and pumping, that I would continue beyond my maternity leave. I bought the fancy pump and have planned to pump at work twice a day. In the middle of the last 2 weeks however, I went back to work part time, and also got a terrible cold - and with going back to work and concerts coming up, I felt I really had to take some kind of cold medicine. So with less nursing, minimal pumping, cold medicine and stress my minimal supply has been getting less and less. And for weeks now, I have been beating myself up relentlessly about the fact that I can't seem to get my shit together enough to do all the '25 ways to increase your milk supply' in addition to everything else, but I've just been trying to keep my head above water. And doing both the breastfeeding and/or pumping and the formula just takes SO MUCH TIME. Time that I feel would be better spent holding or playing with my baby or frankly, washing his clothes, or grocery shopping. And truly I don't think I've trusted my body's ability to give him what he really needs since that 3 week check up, which means I've trusted the formula more for quite a while now.

So I'm at a crossroads. I have to decide about whether to try to continue or not. And I have to figure out how to face those who are so lucky to have been so able to nurse their babies with such success, because I'm afraid of the judging. I'm afraid that I've failed my boy fantastically. And the pressure to be better at this because I CHOSE to do it on my own, feels enormous.

Addendum to original entry: 
I have found a couple of websites that talk about partial weaning. One of the big questions I've had is if I only pump a couple of times a day and get anywhere from 2-5 oz in total, is there any benefit to the baby with that small amount of breastmilk, is it worth the time and effort? These sites seem to think so, which is really helpful information and motivating to try to continue. I have a feeling we're done with actually breastfeeding now, but I'd like to be able to continue for at least a few more weeks to give him some breastmilk every day until he's 4 months and if I'm lucky, until he's 6 months..

Here is one of the sites:
http://kellymom.com/ages/weaning/wean-how/weaning-partial/

Navigating every 'first'

My nature is to get pretty worked up, very anxious, in anticipation of doing something new to me, of broaching the unknown or facing situations I've never encountered before. And while I wouldn't consider myself terribly daring, I also don't usually let my anxiety stop me from going forward and things usually work out just fine and sometimes even great, but I do tend to suffer pretty dramatically up to the moment of the event. So everything I do, now that I have a baby and especially as a single mom, triggers an intense and fairly stressful reaction. And I should clarify that things to do with him directly haven't freaked me out - we're figuring things out as we go as I expected that we would. It's EVERYTHING else. Going back to work, or hell, just taking out the garbage and paying bills, are all events that seem new to me now that I have a baby. It's figuring out 'how' to manage all the rest of the stuff that has, up until now, been rote. Now, it's all new. 

Since I'm a person with 2 careers - one during the weekdays in an office and the other one as a contracted classical singer in the evenings and on the weekends - figuring out how to do it all in the last couple of weeks has been an incredible challenge. (It was challenging enough without a baby!) And it has come with some big old meltdowns and tearful declarations of I CAN'T DO THIS, or I'M QUITTING, or WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? And I've also noticed a lot of apologizing out loud to my baby for my folly. After this past week - which included going back to work, starting my boy at daycare, rehearsals and two concerts over the weekend, while having a horrible cold and an ever decreasing milk supply - I still don't have the answer for how to do it all without sending myself into depths of guilty despair - but I have discovered that if I can figure out a way to trust who I am innately, I really can do much of it. It definitely requires making a prioritizing plan with contingencies and the awareness and acceptance that sometimes things may just totally fall apart due to situations that are often out of my control. But - while I will have to make some adjustments in order to learn how to live this new life with my boy - I think it's all doable at some level. Maybe not all doable at the same level as pre-baby, but that's okay. After all, I wished for and got a new life with this baby and I intend to never squander a moment of this amazing blessing and opportunity. I may have to cry through a few of those moments, but that's okay too.