No Breaks

Parenting is hard for everyone, but with 2 parents - even separated ones - there can be moments of relief, shared decisions, sometimes dual incomes. Solo parenting however, is relentless. There is never real rest. I worry when I go to sleep at night that I won't wake up for an emergency, so I don't usually sleep with ease. Decision fatigue is legit and can cause all kinds of issues that are hard to right once they occur. Keeping track of all the things - ALL the things - is nearly impossible on my own; even with planners and self-help and mommy bloggers and Pinterest, stuff gets missed and sometimes it's really important stuff. Add to that, extracurricular childcare is cost-prohibitive, so I have to ask for help from friends and family if I want or need to take a few hours for myself, which can be hard. At a certain point, it all bleeds together and I lose focus and energy. 

Self-care goes by the wayside for me and the truth is as I am an older parent, self-care should one of my priorities, so I can continue to live in good health to take care of and be there for my son. At the moment, I'm dealing with a bit of the fallout from NOT prioritizing my own health, which makes it all even harder. There has to be personal buy-in when it comes to self-care. I'm working on it. 

School

Deciding on preschool for my son (who started a few days before his 3rd birthday) was hard, but the decision had a LOT to do with pricing, open hours, and location, and the tough, emotional part was transitioning him from a loving homecare situation into a more institutional one. Ultimately, that resulted in a place near home that was okay overall, but had several teacher transitions and lots of teacher upset over the 2 years he was there. By the time he was done, he had been over it for months - but it wasn't an easy transition out from there and into a huge public Kindergarten. I moved us a few months before so he could attend in a particular school district known to be very good. I was completely unprepared for my angst beyond that first day of school. I thought, he'll go, I'll cry and then, because he is such a great, communicative, social kid, he will be fine! He'll adjust! He'll fall in line! He will LOVE it! But the first semester was an emotional roller coaster for us both. The school struggled to get its act together, and so did my kid - I honestly didn't know up from down for many weeks. It was December before it really felt like we all had found our footing, and to be honest, I still don't know that I believe it's been that great. When I visit school or we attend functions, it's obvious he is as well-known and well-liked as one could expect among the other 200 Kinders, so I feel that some of his meltdowns are just a byproduct of being 6. But I also feel like, as the overflow program for the district, his Kindergarten experience has not been what I'd hoped for him.

In the fall, he'll start at his "home" school. All the first graders will have come from the overflow program, so he'll know quite a few friends when he gets there. I think that will be an advantage, and I'm grateful for at least that. But he (and I) will once again, have to transition and adjust and we'll both need to re-establish ourselves to a whole new staff and campus. As a planner, I'm already getting anxious about it.

As someone who went to 7 schools from Kinder to high school, I am close to desperate to NOT have to make him transition anymore, other than graduating to the next level. He should have roots, he should trust where he is and what comes next. He should be able to build friendships, and mentoring and community relationships, for the longterm. It's a daunting idea as the cost of living here doesn't seem to be abating. I am not sure what sacrifices I'll need to continue to make to keep him here. I want him to experience the possibility of being considered first because he hasn't just moved here and he is known. I want him to grow without needing to start over again and again, at all those crucial social and education developmental moments. I think it's hard for some to understand, and I often get 'he'll adjust' as a response to my anxiety. But here is the thing, I know how it feels - and some of us carpe diem and some of us get severely crapped on, along the way.

For now, all I can do is wait (and go to therapy). I am hopeful that my experience thus far will help me navigate the systems and make the transition for us both much easier.

Limited

Motherhood is most often a choice, a calling, a deeply rooted yearning to nurture and connect. Choosing to become a mother (or parent) on ones own, usually means the call could no longer be ignored or put aside or put off into the future. Biological timing has often been a factor for women who make this choice but even in the short time since I made mine, there are now so many younger women for whom motherhood trumps a longterm or permanent relationship, and they are making this choice earlier in their lives - well before the biological term limits are even in sight. Sometimes I feel a little envious of them. I had 40 years before I made my choice, and did follow, if even in a very small way, my dreams for a while in there. But what I'm finding now, as I have turned 48 recently, and am watching my 6 year old become more independent every day - in sometimes small ways but indicative of who he will grow to be - is that I'm staring at a lonely future. I don't know if I am, because who can really tell the future, but it feels like it a bit. I will have family. I have siblings, nieces and nephews and cousins, so I don't know if I'll ever find myself truly alone unless by choice, but lonely is a very different thing. Those who choose this path when so much younger than I was, seem to have much more time on the other side of the 18+years of being directly and importantly part of their children's lives. Most of them will have time to build more for themselves. I plan to live as long as possible, so I'm not anticipating an early demise, but I feel limited. I feel the fear of my child growing into a man and his future without me. I know it will and should be this way, but it is a really scary concept of separating from him. A year ago, he told me we'll live together always, and a few days ago he promised to visit when he has time off from work. It is so silly, but I was gutted. At 6 he already has an understanding of what it might look like down the road. And I'm starting to also.

The Dad Request

Over the last year, my son has had bouts of frustration and sadness because he doesn't have a daddy, and he wants one. I figured out the hard way, during one of these recent conversations, that redirecting him or making light of this issue is no longer a viable option and now I just have to hear him out and do a lot of hugging. For a while, he would often cry about it, telling me it's not fair and that I need to go out and get married so he can have a dad. I remember this being one of my biggest fears when I chose to become a mom on my own. It certainly had never been my plan to be the only parent if I ever had a child, and several times during my pregnancy I wondered if I'd inadvertently put this horrible, dad-less burden on my child-to-be. But I also knew that he wouldn't "be" at all, if I had done this any other way. And a father has not abandonded him in any way. I knew that someday, he'd understand that I was meant to be his mom and he my son. And that our family, small as it is, is a wonderful, loving family. And I knew he'd have cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, family friends, and a whole host of people who would love him and care for him. All of this has come true. The part where he will understand one day, just hasn't happened yet. So for now, I listen, we hug and mop the tears and move on.

Kindergarten - Class of 2031

We made it! I know, it should be "HE made it!" but honestly, these first years have also been all about me getting him to Kindergarten, so WE definitely made it. My high-energy, curious, and social little boy, who has been bored and not very happy about Pre-K/Daycare since November of last year, is truly loving his overall experience so far. He can stretch his mind and body, and is happy. Though he is also exhausted and far more emotional than usual, he's learning new things every day, and finds most of it just exciting. I desperately hopes he doesn't lose that enthusiasm, that it isn't replaced by cynicism which can happen faster than one imagines. The transition has been manageable, but also a bit stressful for us both. I am told by other mothers that this will get better and a bit easier as we go along. I hope so. I know, but now have also been told, he can be challenging - he talks A LOT, interrupts, and sometimes is drawn to other high-energy kids which can be disruptive to a learning environment. But I think he'll get better at managing that, the teachers will get to know him and get better at managing him, and I'll start to relax a bit more as time goes on.

I also find that these milestones and transitions highlight the part of single parenthood that is, well, single. Every time we do this, I have to find someone to share these amazing moments with - not always easy or welcomed - and am the only one there to absorb the enormous emotions that come with change. So for now, I'm just trying to keep us afloat and to navigate the learning curve until we both settle in to this new season.

Almost ready

Another milestone is rapidly approaching as my son is in his last few days of preschool and starting kindergarten next week. He's really been ready for months, so in some ways, that we are almost finally there is a relief, but at the same time it truly feels like the end of his babyhood and start of his childhood. We've visited the school many times, have now met his teachers-to-be, and I'm such an obsessive planner of life changes, whenever possible, that he's getting a little tired of me talking about it all, all the time. He's ready, and I'm almost ready.

I am really excited for him to start this journey. He's a sweet, very friendly and outgoing kid. He'll make friends easily and he'll probably be a pretty good student. He seems like a natural leader, and I'm hoping he'll find this is a positive attribute and that his educators will see it too, and help foster it in him. I've been in touch with the PTA to volunteer when I can, and have been paying attention to the many repeated messages from the school and district preparing families for the start of school, and especially the start of kinder. The school seems to have this all in hand, and gets out communications and information effectively, to those who are listening.

I know this is the life of a parent. Almost all kids go to school at some point. Almost all parents have to give over their most precious little loves to others for care and learning, at some point. We have to put our faith in the systems in place and the people in charge without really knowing them intimately. It's what we do. And we trust they know what they are to do. But I am also afraid. This world is a far less certain place than it maybe once was. There is no way to know for sure that all will be well for our children. There is certainly a barrage of things, events, and people, coming at us daily, we can point to that makes it impossible to believe all will be well. Yet next Tuesday, I'll take him to his new school, I'll hug and kiss him goodbye, and leave him there. And this I will do almost every day for the next 13 years. He's ready, and I'm almost ready.

Feeling behind and lazy.

It's been a year, almost to the day, since my last post. I found it astonishing when I figured that out, but maybe not too astonishing. A lot has happened in the past year and I think when I decided to "do nothing" as a plan, I meant it, mostly.

It's been a year since I committed to living more in the moment and not having a bunch of personal goals or plans or things to strive for. At about the 6-month mark, right at the start of the new year, I made a list of things I want to accomplish by my 50th birthday, 2.5 years from now, and it felt good to put some goals on paper, but to also not feel an oppressive, imminent deadline. Since that list, my son played a 3-month season of T-ball, I had a big project at work, we have been on a few short car trips away, I've read some books, and generally we've played a lot. It's been good. In the last few days, however, I've hit the "I'm bored" wall hard, and once again, I'm plagued by a feeling of being lazy and not learning, not striving.

Singing is just off the table. It's been hard to accept it but for now, and the near future, I still can't see a way to sing without taking important time away from my son. So there it is. But I long for a creative outlet. I have done some glass fusion work, but at this point, I'm such a novice, that the time and cost are a little prohibitive. That's frustrating, but not a deal breaker yet so I'll probably try again to see if I can get a bit obviously better and more the hang of it. I've been looking at taking a class or two, but nothing has clicked for me there yet, either. We are entering a new chapter in a few weeks as my son will start kindergarten. There, I may find more "to do" though it still won't be a personal piece for me, and I can already see it's not enough. So I'll keep searching.

The truth is that I'm never not busy. Being a solo mom to a 5.5yo means the work of parenting and maintaining our life is never-ending and sometimes it feels relentless. My 5.5 yo is also in a several months-long phase of being eternally frustrated with rules and direction, he takes everything personally, pushes all the boundaries, blames others for his mistakes and crap choices, and it is exhausting. Having a child who is incredibly bright and savvy but who is also still just 5, is very rewarding much of the time, and yet almost always challenging. I think him starting kindergarten will be a great change for us both, but it's going to be a long 4 weeks until then!

As always, sometimes I'm striving for balance in our life and sometimes I'm struggling to survive the day. I guess that's just parenting.