Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Single Mom? Are you really?

My little boy and I had a playdate with a recently divorced girlfriend and her two kids the other day. We actually had some time to talk (thankful for cafe with the tables of toys) and the conversation got around to dating. Or rather, the conversation got around to getting around to dating. As she finds herself single again, but this time with children and an ex who is still frequently present because of the kids, she's trying to figure out how dating works now - how to find the time and capacity to date. She in turn has a girlfriend under similar circumstances with kids who seems to find no problem dating, but who also declares that she's now a struggling, single mom. And as she starts to navigate the world of divorced moms, she has become totally aware of the differences between single moms - by choice, and single moms - by divorce or separation. It's something choice moms often struggle with when trying to relate to other moms.

Most of the time when having a child with someone else, the natural (and often legal) result is co-parenting and shared finances, a divvying up of responsibilities to each for the household and care of the children. There are obviously some for whom this doesn't happen - some parents are left behind to shoulder it all. But mostly, even if contentiously, there are 2 parents and each is involved to a degree. When you choose to become a mom (or dad) on your own, you are literally on your own. Even with promises of, and actual, help and advice from family and friends, every single decision and responsibility are yours. All of them, all of the time. There is literally no break from being the solely responsible person for your child's life, ever. And that is a lot to shoulder. So it's understandably frustrating to hear a divorced, co-parenting mom say that she is now a single mom, or even more frustrating to hear from a parent who's partner is, say, traveling for work, suddenly announce on Monday how tired they are because they're a single parent for the week, or from the mom who's husband is physically present but emotionally checked out of the marriage say she is doing it all on her own. Parenting is hard all of the time, regardless of partner status, but it is a very different thing to choose to solo parent with zero financial, emotional or 'parenting' back-up from another.

I hear this kind of thing a lot, but I got over correcting folks a while ago, probably because of my own lack of capacity. So it was really heartening to have my friend acknowledge that she knows the difference. She sees it and understands it. And in turn, I understand she has her own set of mama struggles. Some similar, some different. We all do.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Sleepless Nights

It's the morning following a night of little sleep because my toddler woke up WIDE at about 2am and didn't settle down until about 4 or so. He's a great sleeper and always has been, so this is somewhat unusual, but when it does happen, getting warm under my bed covers generally works to send him off to sleep. Not. Last. Night.

He was wide awake: singing, playing, talking, wiggling - all of that at his energy level usually reserved for 10am. I'm not sure why it happened, but I know I therefore didn't sleep either, and today is rough. But nights like these serve me well in a couple of ways: First, I'm reminded that he's always been a good sleeper so I've been lucky - far luckier than most moms I know; Second, it reminds me that he's still so young. There is a tendency to assume he's more developmentally advanced than he really is, because he's an amazing conversationalist. A M A Z I N G. And has been for a long while already. But when he's awake in the dark, next to me cuddling with me and his soft baby owl toy, holding my hand, or putting his face in my hand, I'm reminded of what a baby he still really is, and it helps to be reminded. All those milestones we are waiting to reach, patiently or more often impatiently, also make it easy to blow quickly through the stages at hand. We want them to grow, to expand, to explore, and it's hard, especially these days, to just let them "be" for a minute. I'm reminded to do just that, as much as possible.

Now, I need more coffee.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Another year gone by...

It's been almost a year since my last post. Time just gets away from me. Parenting, especially single parenting, is all consuming and when I have a chance at "down time" or a break, I go a little catatonic - not productive. My boy turns 3.5 today. It's shocking how fast the last 3 years have gone, and yet while in it, it's hard to believe we'll ever get through some of the daily slog.

I was on a FB SMC thread the other day, supporting new mamas with my experience or whatever I had to offer, when it occurred to me that the only way to get through this without also feeling like it's passing me by, is to truly be present for all of the experiences and moments with my boy. I work full-time, he goes to preschool full-time - so for many hours in the week we're apart. But when we are together, I find that as exhausting as it can be, staying present with him is the way I feel like I'm not missing anything. I want to spend my time with him, I want to talk with him and play games with him and feed him and bathe him and give him all my attention. The hardest part of absolutely wanting those things is that I don't take care of myself the way I should. There just is no time. And then my time with him can be full of frustration and impatience.

I hit 45 a few months ago, and for a couple of months we were struggling with a family health crisis, and the loss of my birthmother soon after the time of my birthday. But once things started to settle down, it also started to feel like things were crumbling down around me. I have NOT been taking care of myself. Physically, emotionally, socially - none of it. I'm not exactly drinking a fifth under the table after bathtime, but I don't think emotionally eating a bag of chips for dinner is all that far from causing the same kind of health damage. And it not only makes me feel bad physically, the guilt and hit to my self-esteem is totally damaging. Thoughts of my own mortality, and my son's subsequent well-being are churning around in my head constantly. I needed to find a way to put my own well-being somewhere near the top.

So, back to regular therapy, back to prepping salads for the work week lunches, and I started the Couch to 5k training program (with the help of my roommate agreeing to stay home with my boy 3 nights a week for 30 minutes or so). Two weeks in and I'm grappling with just how to actually put myself somewhere near the top of priorities. But two weeks in is much further along than I've ever been, so there's hope?