Monday, September 17, 2012

31 weeks along - beginning of 8 month...

As hard as I'm trying to think differently, I have been feeling overwhelmed, nervous, and a little on the verge of tears for the last few days, especially when I'm not with my family. I haven't felt very well, and have also convinced myself that I'm going to need to deliver earlier than full-term. For whatever reason, I have no idea why. Maybe because it was my sister's experience, or maybe because of the books and statistics I have read, or maybe I'm just 'preparing' for the possibility even though nothing suggests its probability at this point. It also could be that, as I whined before, I'm just feeling worn out, achy, and in less control of things each passing day. 

All of this is not to say that I'm not excited to meet my little guy in 9 weeks (or less) - because I really am! I am just always so much better when the unknown arrives and I can start dealing with it head-on, directly. And when I feel this way - waiting for the time to happen - I get a little paralyzed and my tendency is to kind of hunker down - I feel less social, less inclined to reach out to people. This isn't the best way to handle it because I can also get pretty lonely. So we'll see how I manage it from now going forward. There are some big things (showers, prep classes, family birthdays) happening on most weekends between now and then, but the remainder of the time I will probably spend resting up as much as possible. And trying to finish getting things ready for bebe's arrival. If I can get the basics finished I will be far happier and more inclined to really rest. I'm repeating myself, I know. I think it's how I'll convince myself of my plan and stop freaking out so much. 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Would I like cheese with my whine? Most definitely...

First, a wee bit of a bitch session:
I'm a little out of sorts today. Last night, I babysat my niece overnight because my sister and bro-in-law had to both be out of town for work. Really, normally, this is no big deal because I love to be with her and to help when I can. And all in all, she was awake for only a total of maybe 3 hours over the entire time. But I went over after work yesterday already tired and with my feet and calves swollen, and then just did not sleep a bit. Not one bit! So when I got up, not 'woke' up, this morning, my feet were even more swollen and my fingers are now too and I SWEAR HE GREW overnight so everything feels and appears bigger. Today is, therefore, not my best day. Today I'm doing my best to survive this thing, and other than one commitment at work I don't feel I can skip out on, the idea of the 2 block walk to my parking garage is probably the only thing keeping me from going home as fast as I can.Yeah that's right, I said 2 BLOCKS. 2.

Overall, I have things so good. I have love and support. I know people care. So I promise I don't want to be a whiner for the next 9 weeks, but THE SWELLING is making me crazy. And uncomfortable all the time. And honestly, it's so embarrassing. Just makes it hard to think about how I'll manage the rest of this pregnancy.

Second, I never have enough gratitude:
My darling friend S, has arranged to host a baby shower for me with some of our opera women, and has graciously invited my mom, sister and cousin and a couple of additional outside friends too. Her generosity is not astonishing to me, though I am humbled by her friendship for sure. But she is also doing this when her world has been turned upside down by her husband being recently laid off. She is a SAHM, other than part time work as a singer, and this presents some very scary challenges for them right now. And in the middle of this, she insisted still on throwing me a shower. I am grateful.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Checking off the list

Now that we're less than 10 weeks away from my full-term due date, I'm finally able to start checking certain really big things off my list. 

So, first I arranged my maternity leave with work. I was really scared to only be able to take 6 weeks, but it looks like with some maneuvering, I'll get to take at least 8 and potentially 10. Not that it will ever be long enough, but it doesn't feel quite as scary as it first did. 


Then Mom and I did the hospital tour last night and, as soon as I stopped freaking out, I did okay. There was a moment when I first walked into the birth center when I was pretty damn sure I wanted to have NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS!!!  The reality of it all sort of hit me like a ton of bricks and I had a small quiet, hopefully unperceptible, meltdown while we were touring. But I didn't run, so I consider it a win.Plus I think she posted my dad at the door so I wouldn't have gotten very far anyway:) Then my haloed parents took me to coffee so I could meltdown a bit more. I know I'm supported and loved, but to quote my dad who quoted someone else, "This is a BIG F*ING DEAL!" Which also made me feel better, because it really is. Everything about my world is about to change - for the better, yes - but change entirely still.And it's a lot to absorb, or at least to absorb with some sort of grace. I'll get there because I have to and because I always do eventually, but sometimes it's a slow burn for me to emotionally grasp what I intellectually 'got' eons ago. Truthfully, the tour was good, the hospital is great, and the staff seem totally on their game - and it's five minutes from my home. All in all, a good thing. 


Next up is finishing getting my own stuff and the baby's stuff in line at home. Soon...